Turkish oil, Indian spices, and more L.A. dyke drama!

Photo: Paul Michaud/Showtime

Can I start this post with a little lesbo gushfest? How hot is Niki Stevens (played by the gorgeous Kate French)? Yes, I think we'd all appreciate it if she kept her pretty mouth shut -- enough pouting about how unfair life is, dear. You're a spoiled bombshell actress. Let's get some perspective! However, those stunning Bambi eyes and that perfect body???!

Little Niki nearly killed me pinning down her greased-up opponents in last week's slippery, out-of-control Turkish oil match hosted by the "SheBitches." (BTW: Thanks, Pammie G., for sinking those SheBar snakes and coining one of my favorite nasty nicknames of the season). And what about Niki swooping in, all leather-clad, stealthy, and Alias-like, in the excerpt for her action flick at the opening of last night's episode? Frankly, I'm more excited for that movie than the wobbly, Jenny-helmed Lez Girls project.

Back to business: Situations are getting a bit hairy between Bette and Tina. Lesson to learn from last night's ep: Never, never host a dinner party with exes without consulting your GF. Bless your heart, Jodi, but what were you thinking? Just as Bette predicted, it was a "lesbian nightmare." You could slice the tension with a knife, and though the gals fed on Jodi's homemade Indian cuisine, things got really spicy post-dinner, when Bette and Tina had a moment alone for a smoochfest while cleaning up the dishes. What is with these crazy dykes getting it on in the kitchen? The charm of high-end cookware?

The preview for next week hints that Bette will come clean to Jodi about her love for Tina, but wouldn't we like to see the sneaky affair drag out a little longer? The messier, the better, I say.

On base, dastardly Colonel Gillian David got her hard ass chewed out by Alice (above) on the stand after she began interrogating Alice about her relationship with Tasha. Ever-defiant, loose-lipped Alice turned the tables and started to drill David, hinting that she, herself, may have a little weakness for girl-on-girl action. Umm... are any of us surprised? Lady makes Russell Crowe look like a pansy. Go Alice! Consequentially, David morphed from tigress into pussy cat, offering Tasha an easy trial if she cooperated in the courtroom. But Tasha had the last laugh, flipping off the whole military camp with her announcement that she was gay and opting for personal freedom.

I leave you with this question: Do we think Shane's new straight crush, Molly (Clementine Ford), actually digs chicks, or is she just taste testing the L.A. lesbo scene? If biology plays a role, then Shane might get lucky. After all, Molly's uptight, elitist mother, Phyllis (Cybill Shepherd), just burst out of the closet last season. And here's a bit of trivia: Did you know that Clementine Ford is Cybill Shepherd's real-life daughter? Well, now you do.

-- JASON LAMPHIER

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