Growing old gracefully -- or not

Photo: Getty Images

A recent MSNBC.com expose confirms that the plastic surgery craze is only getting crazier. The article reveals what we pretty much already knew: there is no shortage of people willing to go to greater and greater lengths to appear younger -- even though the results often end up looking so ridiculously wonky they outweigh any benefits of having the procedures in the first place.

But the best part of the article is the sidebar slide show which features plastic surgeon Tony Yuon giving his opinion on whether or not 21 assorted celebs have spent any time under the knife / behind the needle / willingly slathered in acid -- you get the idea. Several of his reactions are no-brainers: Yuon says of Cher, "Where do we start?" before launching into a paragraph plumped full of phrases like "excessively smooth" and "fat injections" and "rhinoplasty" and suggests "if Elvis saw Priscilla Presley now, he'd be 'All Shock Up' ... her appearance resembles that of a wax figure at Madame Tussauds museum." And his suspicions that Madonna, Tina Turner, Wayne Newton, and Bruce Jenner have had their fair share of nipping, tucking, and/or filling aren't exactly shocking either.

What did surprise me was how happy I was whenever Dr. Yuon happened upon a star who hadn't done a damn thing and still looked absolutely radiant. Of Johnny Depp he says, "Unfortunately for all us average looking men [speak for yourself, doc] Johnny Depp looks as good as he does without any obvious signs of plastic surgery." Same goes for Susan Sarandon, who he believes might treat herself to a mild chemical peel now and again but otherwise appears to be procedurally untouched.

Though the snark sloshes heartily and happily through my veins, and though I definitely can be cattier than the average fag, I've come to appreciate a person's ability to age gracefully. Perhaps it's because living in a world -- and working in an office full of gay men -- that so ardently values youth, I'm scared as hell to get older myself -- scared I'll find myself unwanted, unneeded, and deemed not only totally undesirable, but virtually irrelevant. It's a terrifying but very real thought, and makes seeing the occasional Johnny Depp or George Clooney in all their au natural "elderly" splendor that much more inspiring.

> In other plastic surgery news, if you yourself have recently had a little work done -- or plan on it in the near future -- and don't have the foggiest idea how to break the news to your kids, Dr. Michael Salzhauer has just the children's book for the situation -- My Beautiful Mommy. Yahoo.com was kind enough to give us a little taste of the literary genius in store for us and in stores April 28th:

Illustrations show a crook-nosed mom with loose tummy skin under her half shirt picking up her young daughter early from school one day and taking her to a strapping and handsome "Dr. Michael."

Mom explains she's going to have operations on her nose and tummy and may have to take it easy for a week or so. The girl asks if the operations will hurt, and mom replies, "Maybe a little," warning she'll look different after the bandages come off.

The girl asks: "Why are you going to look different?"

Mom responds: "Not just different, my dear -- prettier!"

Thank God. Haven't we all had just about enough of these ugly mommies running amok in the streets of America, ruining everyone's lives with their shamefully un-operated on faces and bodies?

-- NOAH MICHELSON

Comments

[Tina]

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