Reporting almost-live from "the fag awards"

Photo: Getty Images

[Ed. note: You know how much I love these man-behind-the-curtain stories -- where you get to see things that supposedly only the sad bastards lucky (?) enough to be entertainment reporters have to deal with. I sent Japhy Grant to the GLAAD awards this weekend in Los Angeles. This is his report.]

It feels like something of an arrival, your first red carpet. Like most people, my impression of the red carpet came mostly from Academy Award pre-shows, so when Out asked me to cover the celebrity receiving line at the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation's (GLAAD) annual awards show honoring inclusive media portrayals of LGBT people at the Kodak Theatre, I jumped at the chance to channel my inner Joan Rivers.

Here's what I wrote down in between jostling for position on the line:

> The red carpet may have been the actual entrance to the show at one point, but it's long since drifted off to become an island to itself, complete with a support system of publicists, security and cocktail bar. Imagine if people came to the airport and watched you walk through security checkpoints while sipping cocktails and you're getting close to the modern media wall.

> The Project Runway boys are everywhere. I totally dig their just like us vibe. Jack Mackenroth says, "I've never been to any awards before, because let's face it, I was a nobody," which makes me want to give him a hug for many different reasons.

> Every outlet has a designated spot on the line. Trying to pick out a pecking order is difficult. Out, for the record, is sandwiched between a nice lady from Star and Nelson Branco (who also writes for Out but is doing duty tonight for Hello! Canada and TVGuide.ca). Every outlet's name is taped onto the floor so that the celebrities know who to talk to and who to ignore. Many reporters seem to refer to themselves by their outlet name, e.g.: "Hello, In Touch. Do you have a moment?"

> Rufus Wainwright, who's receiving the Stephen F. Kolzak Award for LGBT media people who have successfully worked to promote equal rights, shows up with his boyfriend Jorn Weisbrodt and a gimongous rhinestone eye pinned to his lapel. "I got it on 4th and La Brea and so far it's brought me good luck," he tells me. "Maybe I should wear it on my forehead as a third eye." He says he's "thrilled to be out of the music business for the next few years" as he works on his first opera, about the day in the life of a male opera singer living in the '70s.

> One possible complication to this red carpet plan: I am terrible with names. Also faces. I go to a gym in West Hollywood that's filled with celebs and so far I've recognized Fabio and one guy who I thought was James Marsden, but now I'm pretty sure is not. Being able to recognize famous people seems like the one skill that would be absolutely required for a red carpet -- but, it turns out, not so. Publicists move up and down the line, saying things like, "I've got Brian Peeler, featured trainer on Work Out." I feel like this is the one aspect of my night that should be extended into real life. Everyone should have a publicist accompanying them at all times, if only to make sure that every woman born on Long Island is guaranteed a job for life. Brian's summer workout advice, by the way, is: "You just got to eat right and exercise and remember that 70 percent of it is diet. Eat right and you're going to lean up and look sexy for everybody." Or, as he further elaborates, "Fitness is so easy, it's hard." As you can probably surmise, he's got a great publicist.

> Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel arrive and everybody goes nuts. Sarah says something about this being "the fag awards" and declares, "This is a politically correct awards show and I'm the only non-politically correct person here." I guess she didn't get the memo that Kathy Griffin's opening the show. Then a reporter asks her how her sex life with Jimmy is, and she gets mad and walks away. For a moment she turns around and looks like she might come back, but it's just an excuse to throw another thoroughly disgusted look at the press corps. The nice lady from Star turns to me and says, "Was she joking or was she serious?" to which I reply, "Exactly."

> Candis Cayne is gorgeous. She's by far the most attractive woman on the carpet. I'm not even kidding.

> All of a sudden someone comes up to me and says, "Don't talk to anyone for the next five minutes. I have Janet Jackson. You get one question." As he says this, Tom Ford and Sally Field stroll by. I feel bad about this because I'm in love with Tom Ford and I know it's real love because I knew I loved him before I knew he was Tom Ford, which was exactly ten minutes earlier when I asked Nelson, "Who's the hot guy in the bow tie?" and he tells me, adding "Are you even gay?" When he comes by, Tom gives me his view from the other side of the velvet rope. "You know when you go down one of these things you're focusing on people and trying to make sense and not say anything silly." I know, Tom, I know.

Anyway, Janet arrives, small, smooth and perfect, surrounded by an entourage and while I've interviewed a ton of people in my life, she is by far the most famous person I've ever met. She's shaking my hand and telling me I have a cool name and the world sort of melts away and the my whole "I'm so much hipper than this red carpet line" attitude evaporates in a chest-bursting heartbeat because I'm actually talking to Janet-motherfucking-Jackson. Only some built-in journalist reflex makes me spit out the question Shana armed me with: "You said in an interview recently that your boyfriend Jermaine is your bitch. Care to elaborate?"

She laughs. (She laughs!) And then she says, "I always tease him because, you know, it's so fussy being a girl, you have to get all made up. And I've always been more of a tomboy, so I said to him, 'In my next life, I'm coming back as a guy. And you're going to be my bitch, because I still want to be together.' I love him dearly."

And then she's gone, long before I get to ask her how much of her b&d fetish imagery is based in reality, before I ask her why she's even getting the Vanguard Award, and before I tell her that I may never wash my hand again.

-- JAPHY GRANT

Previously > The NY GLAAD awards

Comments

[raybear]

this post is brilliant.

[jessica b]

This is such a fantastic, hilarious recap. I saw you in action, Japhy! You were a natural!

[Kevin]

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