Bad boys: The men of Grand Theft Auto

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Grand Theft Auto is known for its sexy women -- porntrapreneur Jenna Jameson and Entourage hottie Debi Mazar have both made joysticks-jumping cameos -- but what about the gruff, gun-toting anti-hero characters we're actually posing as on screen?

As the technology has evolved, so has the GTA man's sexuality. I've been playing the gazillion-selling Grand Theft Auto IV nonstop since it came out, looking for that great boy-on-boy action found in Rockstar Games' ultra-hot Bully: Scholarship Edition. (The sacrifices I make!)

I'll keep pushing GTA IV's Niko Bellic to "experiment," but in the meantime here's a scenic trip through memory lane of his thuggish, rugged predecessors.

GRAND THEFT AUTO (1997) and GRAND THEFT AUTO II (1998)
> Main character: An ant-sized stick man.
> How hot does it get?: As hot as Bea Arthur grinding David Gest.
> Best pick-up line: He's asexual, but compensates by shooting random people.

GRAND THEFT AUTO III (2001)
> Main character: Anonymous Mafia thug in a New York City knockoff. Favors a thick Ray Liotta -- if he was made of oblong squares.
> How hot does it get? Invites prostitutes into his vehicle, has sex in driver's seat, makes car (and joystick) vibrate. Kicks woman out onto cold street when done.
> Best pick-up line: He has no game, but drives a nice stolen car.

GRAND THEFT AUTO: VICE CITY (2002)
> Main character: Tommy Vercetti, a '80s-era Mafia thug in South Beach-inspired Vice City. Strangely, looks just like anonymous Mafia thug from GTA III.
> How hot does it get? Imagine GTA III, except with acid wash jeans and pink shirts.
> Best pick-up line: Still no game, just a Members Only jacket.

GRAND THEFT AUTO: SAN ANDREAS (2004)
> Main character: CJ, a rough, but intelligent black teenager from (virtual) Compton.
> How hot does it get: Skilled players found the hidden soft-porn minigame "Hot Coffee," which features fully-clothed CJ getting a blowjob, and later some missionary action, with a topless female date. It was crude enough to get the game recalled and re-rated as an Adults Only (i.e. X-rated) title.
> Best pick-up line: "I would love to come in for some coffee."

GRAND THEFT AUTO IV (2008)
> Main character: Niko Bellic, an Eastern European immigrant in New York City-clone Liberty City. Favors an unshaven Dr. Luka Kovac from E.R. after a long vodka bender and several fist-to-face collisions. You've seen him glowering at you from billboards and bus ads all month. But look at him up there, making time with a crooked cop as they stare out into the sunset!
> How hot does it get? Niko's accent gets him several girlfriends -- the first serial monogamist game hero, anyone? -- but getting lucky only gets you a view from outside the apartment building and a few realistic moans. At least you can still get busy in the car.
> Best pick-up line: "Would you like to, uh, spend some time? I would like that."

-- DAMON BROWN

For more hot, uncensored details of the sex lives of video game characters, pick up Damon's book, Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider and Other Sexy Games Changed Modern Pop Culture, coming this October.