Breaking: The secret gay twist to Lost's finale

Photo: ABC/MARIO PEREZ

Smoke monsters, ghost kids and flash-forwards, oh my! It's Lost season-finale day and Popnography's found out the super secret twist ending that you'll be talking about for months.*

Turns out the mysterious Orchid Station that everyone's racing to doesn't have the power to travel through time at all. In fact, in the last minutes of tonight's action-packed episode, John Locke switches on the "frozen donkey wheel" device -- and it turns everyone on the island gay. That "spectacular kiss" we've been promised? It's between Jack and Sawyer, as the doc hops in the copter to civilization and Wildman Sawyer mouths, "You complete me."

Now that all the natives have gone homo, let's look at the exciting new relationships we can look forward to next season on Lost, along with their obvious new coupley smashed nicknames:

Benayid (Ben/Sayid)
We've already seen this season that bug-eyed baddie (or is he?) Benjamin Linus enlists former Iraqi torturer Sayid Jarrah in his plans. Now that his wife is out of the picture, the two are able to spend time traveling around the country hurting people both psychically and psychologically. And while you'd think these two would spend their off-hours building a time-traveling S&M dungeon, expect to see a very special holiday episode where Benayid invite the Oceanic Six to a dinner party where we learn that the ever-patient Sayid has helped Ben finally master how to cook a turkey.

Hurlnard (Hurley/Bernard)
Bernard says "Goodnight Rose" to his wife in an early episode when he suddenly appears in L.A. and woos Hurley. Turns out Bernard loves them large and begins taking Hurley to the Soutland's finest rib joints. But like everything on Lost, the happy couple is doomed; when Mama Reyes puts Hurley on Atkins, Bernard loses interest. Dude!

Chreamy (Christian Shephard/Martin Keamy)
One's a creepy dead guy and the other is a hot muscle twink who likes to kill people. Can you say "Match made in heaven?" And it is, until Jacob finds that the good Dr. Shephard has been using his cabin for more than just creepy and infuriatingly obtuse oracular orders.

And, for the ladies:

Sate (Sun/ Kate)
While you would think the perfect woman for Kate would be former Others hard-ass Juliette given, you know, they have so much in common (a thing for Jack, a love of gunplay, long manes of soft brushable hair), it turns out the Island has different ideas. Once again fleeing the country, Kate leaves baby Aaron with Jack and heads to South Korea, where she and Sun live happily ever after. I'm just kidding. This is Lost, so they both wind up fighting all the time and double-crossing each other. But they have really awesome make-up sex every time.

*It's also possible that we just spend too much time on Lostopedia.

-- JAPHY GRANT

Comments

[raymond]

I'm putting money on a Sun/Juliette marriage that involves lots of babies.

And a Locke/Christian love affair that is a constant battle since Locke secretly longs for Ben, but Christian can always see it in his eyes. There will be a fight where Christian reveals his own affair with Ben that pushes Locke over the edge.

[raymond]

Did I say Christian? I meant Richard. Locke & Richard. I was overexcited by this post apparently.

[Marcus]

Wow, that was really not funny.