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Once every four years, the Olympics gives the rest of the world the opportunity to do what gay men do all the time -- dissect the nuances of Cirque du Soleil-esque pageantry and admire the physical prowess of guys in Speedos. And while doping gets you banned from competition, the first weekend in Beijing has been the Olympics on steroids. The Chinese seem to have taken the Olympic motto "Swifter, Higher, Stronger" as a dare -- and have, despite the clouds of pollution and questions about civil rights, delivered the most stunning games ever.
Some highlights from the past weekend:
> A mind-blowing cross between Busby Berkley and Blade Runner, Chinese film director Zhang Yamou's Opening Ceremonies showed what you can achieve when you have a talent pool of 1.3 billion to draw from. Throw in the talents of Cai Guoqiang, the fireworks artist who's done pieces for MoMA and the Met, and you can erase all memories of the awful Athens Games, where Bjork's dress unfurled over the heads of the assembled Olympic athletes.
> NBC's Coverage -- The Good, The Bad, The Fake: While we totally dig the art-directed athlete profiles (it's amazing what you can do with some whip pans, white flashes and pectorals) and the idea that you can watch all the Games online, the fact that you have to download Microsoft Silverlight to do so makes us want to punch Bob Costas in the face. Well, more than usual. The peacock web also fudged on the opening ceremonies. Some of the fireworks shots were computer-generated and the Parade of Nations was produced out of order so that the U.S. seemed to march later than they really did.
> I have two types: Short guys and muscle guys. This weekend I discovered that men's gymnastics gives both in one form-fitting package. We need fewer leather bars and more Olympic gymnast bars. Despite losing two of their team members to injuries, the U.S. team did surprisingly well on Saturday, setting the stage for tomorrow's finals. While China and Japan are expected to take gold and silver, there's a decent chance the Americans can take the bronze.
> Keeping up with the gays in the Games, German cyclist Judith Arndt finished 41st out of 66 in a very wet women's road cycling race Sunday and the Norwegian handball team, featuring lesbian couple Gro Hammerseng and Katja Nyberg, defeated China on Sunday and Angola today. You'll have to wait til August 18 to catch out Australian diver Matthew Mitcham.
> Oh, and Michael Phelps continues his quest to be The Greatest Olympian Ever. On Saturday he overcame his own world record to win the gold in the 400m Individual Relay and then Sunday, thanks to team member Jason Lezak, won the gold (and broke the world record) in the 4x100 relay. Tomorrow, Phelps swims the 200m, which he qualified for today in the semi-finals by breaking the Olympic record.
-- JAPHY GRANT
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