Cartoon characters we have known and loved

Recently I (somewhat bashfully) admitted that I once harbored a wicked crush on the nunchuck-slinging Michelangelo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (OK, OK, I still do). Shana, being the kind and gentle soul that she is, refrained from mercilessly teasing me for wanting to get it on with a cartoon reptile, and instead demanded suggested that I round-up a few of my other animated love interests for the pleasure of similarly afflicted Popnographers everywhere.

> Optimus Prime from the Transformers: Truly my first love, there is no one in the cartoon world who is wiser, more understanding or full-on studlier than Optimus Prime. Somehow -- even when or maybe because I was five -- I never thought it was weird to be lusting after a semi-truck. He's got that whole mature, bad ass take charge thing going on. But he never abuses his position, and though he's stuck waging war against the Decepticons for the good of all humanity, a quick perusal of his Wikipedia page reveals he'd much rather be watching a soap opera on the couch than giving evil robots the smack down they so rightfully deserve. If I could tell you the things I dreamt of doing with Optimus Prime's laser canon without fear of being ridiculed -- or worse committed -- I would. But I can't, so I won't.

> Trent Lane from MTV's Daria: The animated series ran from 1997 to 2002, and while I couldn't get enough of the title character -- whose wit was so dry chances are she was genetically engineered in a food dehydrator -- it was Trent Lane who really stole my heart. Trent was the older brother of Jane Lane, Daria's best friend, and he was everything I wanted from a boyfriend when I was a freshman in college: lanky, pierced, spiky hair, the lead singer of a band (Mystik Sprial) and so excruciatingly cute I really didn't care that he still lived with his parents. I just wanted to cuddle up with the slacker in the back of his 1973 Plymouth Satellite coupe -- the affectionately dubbed "The Trentmobile" -- and fall asleep against his skinny cartoon chest.

> Rio from Jem and the Holograms: The only thing sexier than Rio's really hot temper (he was always ready to pound the leopard print out of the Misfits whenever they misbehaved, which was like 37 to 43 times an episode) was how stupid he was. Sometimes there's nothing that I love more than a gorgeous, totally brain dead hunk. Not for keeps, but just to have around in case I need to have him tidy up my bedroom or regrout the bathtub. Not only was Rio sluttin' it up with both Jem and Jerrica -- but they're the same person and he couldn't for the life of him figure it out! I don't care what kind of technological hoodoo Synergy was pulling, get a clue, Rio. And then get naked and make me a ham salad sandwich.

Note about the clip: Just when you thought Jem and the Holograms couldn't get any gayer, someone decided to make this video of the band "covering" Madonna's "Open Your Heart."

> She-Ra: Our last cartoon crush comes courtesy of Shana. While I may have loved She-Ra, I didn't want to love up on She-Ra. But I can objectively appreciate why a young dyke-in-the-making might have been severely smitten with her husky voice, her short skirt, and totally butch evil-doer-fighting ways. While the creators of the cartoon always seemed to write in some kind of icky borderline incestuous exchange between She-Ra and her twin brother He-man, I'd much rather think about the Princess of Power engaged in some kinky heroic hanky panky with her gal pals Mermista, Peekablue, and Flutterina.

-- NOAH MICHELSON

Comments

[Phil Miner]

I saw the title for this entry and knew IMMEDIATELY who wrote it. I promptly conjured Noah from Instant Messenger and let him know as much. Then I let him know he's not a total freak. I too had a crush on Trent and harbored unnatural affections for Prince Eric and post-transformation Beast (the way he says, "Belle" is just so freakin' kind and loving).

Anyway, I knew Rio was not a good dude from the get-go and told Noah a story. He demanded I share it with the world.

I was home sick from elementary school, watching GEM in our wood-paneled Kansas basement, blanket firmly tucked under my chin, nibbling on Saltines and sipping 7-Up. Then the unexpected happened. Gem slapped Rio for some slight. I little-gay-boy-scream/squealed so loud my mom came rushing down the stairs to see what happened. I had to tell her.

And, still, they were surprised when I came out.

[Pat]

God I loved Jem. So much. So so so much. Rio was so hot. And yes, so dumb. So so dumb. And so so sexy. Come scrub a dub on my bathtub, Rio-man.

And that clip is AWESOME. Truly outrageous! Truly truly truly outrageous.

Great write-up.

[Mike Taylor]

It's posts like this that make me love you guys more and more! It's like you're living in my head, snacking on my memoirs! But seriously, how could you forget the clearly homoerotic Bionic Six?!? "Family" my ass, sistah! LOL

[Christopher King]

Great article.
Optimus Prime (the original and not the remakes) rocked my world too.
I cried big tears when he was killed.