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Hurrah, Hurrah! Election Day is here at last and while that whole "participating in the democratic process" thing is cool and all, we're in it for the TV coverage. We've been watching this show "The 2008 Election" for over two years now and while at this point we think "Lost" has a more coherent plot, there's no way we're missing the season finale, where we find out once and for all if Black Socialist Allah will defeat Mooseburger and her friend, Mr. Wilson. Election Night is like the Super Bowl (loud white dudes explaining scores and stats), the finale of Project Runway (what fabric best says "dignified loser"?), the Jerry Lewis telethon (you can turn it on anytime and it's still going!) and a crazy spy drama (hello, electronic voting) all rolled into one!
Our corporate media overlords know a good thing when they've got it, so get your civic duty out of the way and plop yourself down in front of the teevee as the networks report on the things bloggers finished writing up twenty minutes ago. Here's a handy network guide to help you pick your poison:
> MSNBC/NBC: G.E. has transformed Rockefeller Center into a giant tank-o-patriotism to celebrate the ascension of their candidate, Barack Obama. We could describe the acres of patriotic bunting, interactive electoral map ice skating rink and 30-story tall election scoreboard in detail, but why would we deprive Chris Matthews the opportunity to tell you about it himself? Which he will, repeatedly. It'll be interesting to see how Matthews and his cat-lovin' counterpart, Keith Olbermann manage to restrain themselves (or not) over the course of the evening and if the Tim Russert wing of the NBC news division (Andrea Mitchell, Chuck Todd and Tom Brokaw) can lend some gravitas to what will probably devolve into an Obama Love-a-thon after 9pm. Out 100 star Rachel Maddow, who we've been talking about and lovin' on since the spring, will be on board as well, most likely arguing with Pat Buchanan -- which is exactly how we like her.
> ABC: Not to be outdone, the alphabet web is transforming Times Square into an "outdoor global viewing event," which sounds like the kind of thing you would expect a performance of Up With People to appear at. Think New Year's Eve, but instead of Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest, you get Charlie Gibson and Diane Sawyer. ABC News will try desperately to make you forget that they were responsible for the worst debate of the year, but it'll be hard with "This Week" host George "Why don't you wear flag pins, hmmm?" Stephanopoulos at the news desk. ABC News has had the least compelling coverage of the election and it's doubtful the neon lights of Broadway are going to make a difference in these last hours.
Continue reading our guide to election day news coverage after the jump...
> CBS: Katie Couric anchors the evening along with heavyweights Bob Schieffer and Jeff Greenfield. The big question is whether CBS will go for the fluffy, friendly style of Couric's news program or if they'll go for a more sober, serious approach on Election Night. One hint: unlike the other two broadcast webs, CBS has not transformed any public squares into circus playgrounds to stage their coverage in. Couric, whose interviews with Gov. Palin have done a lot to restore her cred as a serious journalist, seems unlikely to get all warm and fuzzy now. On a personal note, there's a lot of buzz that Couric could take over as host of NBC's "Meet the Press" post-election (it's widely known she wants out of her CBS contract) and I think she'd be great at it. Consider tonight to be something of an on-air audition for that role.
> PBS: Starting at 9pm EST, the network will run a special two-hour live edition of Jim Leher's "News Hour." The real action for PBS will be online, where they've partnered with YouTube to create a "Video Your Vote" site and through the News Hour's Twitter account, one of the best around -- sponsored in part by viewers like you.
> CNN: The Wolf, the Coop, Campbell "I-Can-Beat-Tucker-Bounds'-Face-in-With-One-Hand-Tied-Behind-My Back" Brown and John "Magic Map" King will all be on hand in the CNN Dome, which now occupies the entire landmass of what used to be Atlanta. See how many times Blitzer can work the phrase "best political team on television" in an hour, watch Anderson flirt with Donna Brazile, and if that's not enough for you, Soledad O'Brien and Bill Schneider will debut a pair of 103-foot interactive plasma screens that will simultaneously display exit polls from all 50 states. Still not enough for you? Word on the street is that CNN will "enhance interviews with remote correspondents and guests using hologram projection." After which, Anderson and Wolf will battle it out with light sabers before CNN headquarters finally takes off into space to return to its home world somewhere deep in the Turner Galaxy.
> Fox: I think Fox News gets a bad rap. I can't speak to their journalistic integrity, but as far as entertainment goes, Hannity, O'Reilly, Rove and Huckabee are good times. Should the election go as expected, Dems will enjoy no small amount of schadenfreude as the network makes claims about voter intimidation and fraud and pronounces that "Obama doesn't have a mandate," while darkly intoning that the country will swing wildly in the opposite direction until all of our children are gay and attending socialist madrassas in Iraq. Basically, they'll be saying things they made fun of Democrats for saying after Gore and Kerry lost the last two times. If by some miracle (read: nightmare), John McCain actually wins the White House, I fully expect Sean Hannity to rip-off his shirt, stand on his desk and scream "Booh-Ya!" over and over, though nobody will notice since we'll all be out rioting in the streets.
Finally, Comedy Central will air a live Daily Show/Colbert Report special at 7pm, so you can always head over there if all this high-tech media circus craziness leaves you craving some old-timey serious journalism.
-- JAPHY GRANT
Previously > Hot for Rachel Maddow > No on 8!
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