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As a reporter you often end up talking to people you never thought you'd talk to, hearing things you never thought you'd hear, and sometimes even goosing fake breasts you never thought you'd goose. It's hard enough having to craft witty questions, remember pertinent details of the person's life, and make the whole thing sound like you've been besties since meeting at a sloppy college keg party -- not two strangers involved in an awkward, mechanical Q&A without being thrown an extra curve ball. Or just some straight-up balls.
The latter almost happened to Newsweek reporter Sarah Ball when she recently spoke with has been action Jean-Claude Van Damme about his new film JCVD. The exchange is so ridiculous we won't bother setting it up any further but keep in mind that Van Damme is 48-years-old and is currently married to his fifth wife:
Jean-Claude Van Damme: I really opened myself up in "JCVD." I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.
Newsweek: OK—
It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.Well, I—
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.So you've no regrets at all?
Believe me—I've done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don't regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?I'm 22.
Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?I don't know. When is it?
I don't know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?Uh—
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.
A little unsolicited advice, Jean-Claude: When you've been MIA for the past ten years and you're trying -- against all odds -- to make a comeback, you might want to keep your muscle from Brussels from making such a prominent appearance on your press tour.
-- NOAH MICHELSON
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