Has your DVR been sitting on this season’s episodes until you have time to sit down and see them? Think you’re going to get around to that as, one by one, all your friends say things like, “They dumped the two weirdest designers on the first two episodes. There’s not one stand-out or person to love/hate.” You know you won’t go back and watch all those episodes. But I can catch you up on who’s left standing:
Gordana -- German mom. Occasionally makes something worth looking at. Currently exhausted. Is having some kind of breakdown. Can’t get black dye from the last challenge off her hands.
Logan -- Straight guy. Wears those knit caps all the time, the ones you see on preemies in baby-ICU. Is always “in” but rarely creates anything memorable. Based on show editing, has no discernible personality.
Carol Hannah -- Blonde, nice, somewhat quirky, could wind up at Bryant Park, thinks Logan is dreamy. Logan seems not to notice this major thing about her. Baffled by the challenge, somehow pulled it out and won.
Bob Mackie -- Guest designer and challenge-giver. Legendarily sequins-and-headdress-addicted creator of outer-space-wear for Cher and wacky costumes for Carol Burnett. If you don’t know who Carol Burnett is then you grew up in a generation that was spoon-fed entertainment product tailored to your demographic and most likely just watched the same VHS copy of “The Lion King” over and over.
Chris March -- Costume designer from two seasons ago. Not on this episode. Watched it last night, though, and screamed “FUCK MY LIFE!” at his TV.
Shirin -- Was presented, in earlier episodes this season, as one of the more talented designers. Tear ducts at the ready. Okay, not more so than Gordana. Won a challenge when circumstances seemed to doom her. This week she’s badmouthed by front-runner and other double-“I” contestant Irina and can’t seem to get it together at all. Loses the challenge. Gets sent home.
Christopher -- Self-taught, we’re told. Has bothersome chinstrap beard. Cries the most of anybody, even more than Shirin. Even more than Gordana. Squeaks by time after time.
The New Producers of This Show -- You never see them, but they’re the people who decided that giving the winner and bottom two of each episode the most airtime isn’t enough of a spoiler, now they have to make sure that those are the first three you hear from on interview-cam right from the get-go. Next season they’re going to experiment with flashing lights hovering over the designers’ heads just in case you still don’t get what they’re trying to say.
Nicolas -- Closest thing they have to a “love to hate” personality. Talks shit about other designers. Seems most likely to commit actual treachery, just hasn’t done so yet. Is extremely irritating. Inspired a conversation at my house last night about Gay Voice. Why do some Gay Voices sound nice, like Tim Gunn’s, and some sound like nails on a chalkboard, like Nicolas’s? A mystery…
Irina -- Best designer of this season. Knows it. Is unfriendly. Is, in fact, the Charles Bronson of unfriendliness. Mean and devastating. Even Nicolas calls her a bitch. And he should know. Camera loves her imperious glare.
Althea -- Oh, wait, she’s still on this show?
Nina Garcia and Michael Kors -- Now trading places on the judging panel. Must not want to be in the same room together anymore.
Christina Aguilera -- The celebrity for whom the designers were creating a Bob Mackie-style costume. Is discussed frequently during the episode, yet no music was cleared for broadcast, no video clips shown, not even a photograph to let you know who this person might be. Logan could have used that help. Shows up to judge at the end. Is totally fond of using the word “totally.” (“I would totally wear that.” “I would totally trip and fall in that.”)
Heidi Klum -- Consistently perfect, even when all around her is in negative flux. Gets all the best retorts when designers are collapsing in tears, trying to explain why the challenge ruined them. Tells Gordana she’s lucky to have immunity from elimination this week. Gordana, in turn, describes her attempt to work with the beaded material as a “disaster.” Klum response: “That’s the way it looked, too.”
Now you can dump those early episodes.
-- DAVE WHITE
Previously > Project Runway: D-I-V-O-R-C-E
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