Project Runway: D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Mike Yarish/Lifetime Networks 2009

It’s what Nina Garcia has apparently gone and done while Lifetime wasn’t paying attention. Because she is, again, absent. Once, when I was a kid, I was absent from school for an entire week. But I had a reason because my family was really busy taking it on the lam—my Dad had some bookies after him, no joke—so I had to help out. Pack up my most important belongings. Stuff like that. It was an exciting childhood. Ever have that in your school, the kid who just disappeared with no warning? That was me. And now it’s Nina Garcia. If you find her, please return her to Heidi Klum for what will certainly be a stern talking to that will rival Bruno Ganz’s most spittle-inflected scenes in Downfall.

Everyone seems out of sorts on the show this week, and not just the recently unmarried substitute models. Shirin’s upset that the challenge—make a new dress out of a divorced lady’s shitty old wedding gown—seems to be out to get her. She got the sorting bag last-pick and her woman’s dress was built from about a third of a yard of polyester fabric. Gordana cries because her kids won’t pick up the damn phone and talk to her. I think she was also crying because she didn’t get out of Germany as fast as she wanted. Gordana’s kind like if glamorous former Runwayer Uli hadn’t flung herself at Florida as fast as she could after watching her very first episode of Miami Vice. Gordana got pregnant instead. Stayed cold. Even Logan, who is more The Dude Abides than anyone who’s ever been within three feet of Tim Gunn, is bitching about Irina thinking she’s a better designer than the others. Problem with that is it’s true. She does think that. And she is better.

Speaking of Tim Gunn, he seems… what’s a good Tim Gunn word… how about “vexed”… by pretty much everybody’s garment. He sneers when one of them appears “lab coaty.” He nearly gets the throw-up face when he has to use slang like “cougar” to describe one of the pieces. And he full-on almost vomits over the word “acetate.” Then they cut back to Shirin while Tim comforts her anxiety attack. Her dress, one peacock feather haphazardly glue-gunned to its synthetic mockery of opposite-marriage, laughs at her. STOP MAKING SHIRIN CRY, DRESS!

In the end, because she got the most air time, Gordana’s hand-dyed asymetrical sheath wins the challenge. Logan gets reamed for making pants with what seem to be built-in horizontal camel-toe pouches. But Epperson is sent packing thanks to what started as a lab coat but wound up as Heidi’s past come back to haunt her. She uses “Oktoberfest” to describe not only his corset-y serving-frau costume, but Logan’s too. You think this woman wants to be reminded of shit like Berlin Alexanderplatz and people soaking in lager and eating tons of animal by-products squeezed into a pig intestine? Answer: Nein.

Oh and “next week on…” promises Nina. We’ll just see about that.

--DAVE WHITE

Previously > DWTS Gets Homo-tastic

Comments

[Alex De Raisx]

That is just too funny. I think Nina Gah-sia is not there because she was too dragon-ladyish in the other episodes. She is now in Dragon Lady Rehab, being a nicer soul. Still, she seemed to really care about the designers being the best they can be.

Also, when will they kick Nicobitchlas? He is just VILE. sigh and here I was trying to be nice.