Project Runway: The Beginning of the End

You know you’re just marking time in an “off” season of Project Runway when suddenly everyone watching the show in your living room starts wishing they’d bring back Suede. Remember him? Third person-talker? Lots of hair product? Annoying?

I know, narrow it down.

But that’s what you start craving when a season kicks off with promise and quickly turns lifeless. I can barely talk about it to friends this time around because they’ve all dropped out as viewers. But not me. I’m devoted.

And for my devotion I am rewarded in this final challenge episode with a shot of a hotel room full of female contestants, all stressed out and finally becoming aware of the vague dislike they feel for each other, halfheartedly and half-wittedly trying to verbally joust for the cameras when, in a perfect world, they’d have been full-on BattleBots-ing it by episode 3. It’s a limp exchange wherein they coyly assign dog behaviors to one another without naming names. Like, “Some quiet dogs are mean,” and “Some cute dogs will bite you,” and “Oh yeah, well you’re like that tiny dog that lives in Paris Hilton’s purse and is really adorable and eats fancy dinners and has a nice Louis Vuitton collar and… oh wait, am I supposed to be insulting someone right now? Line, please?”

Mostly I just want one of them to turn into Tyson the Skateboarding Bulldog. Because I need something, anything, to happen in the next week or two, before Irina goes home with the whole thing.

OK, highlights:

• The challenge happens at the Getty Museum, a place that really encapsulates the day-to-day experience of trying to go somewhere in Los Angeles. First you make a parking lot reservation, then you drive a hundred miles, then you get there and see if you’re on the list to park, then you pay $15 to park, then you get on a tram and monorail yourself to a forbidding looking modernist castle on top of a hill that you can’t get to any other way. Then they’re closed. Then you drive another hundred miles back home and stop at In-N-Out Burger on the way. George Clooney is standing in line ahead of you. You pretend you don’t know who he is. When you get home you post about it on Facebook.
• Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa shows up because he heard there was a camera somewhere that needed his face in front of it. He talks to the designers and crows, “[Los Angeles] is leading the way in fashion!” In flip-flops.
• Two Cindys join the judging. Cynthia Rowley, who’s been there before, and Cindy Crawford, who to my memory has not. What’s good about her is that she has no game face and throws some excellent grimaces right at the camera when the mostly barfy outfits come down the runway. I like her for that almost as much as I like Prince’s old song about her from The Black Album called “Cindy C.” He calls her a “super-fine heifer” in that song. Never fails to make me smile.
• Christopher, about to be evicted, makes a passionate and tear-filled speech about how passionate and tear-filled he is, and how very much like an algae-covered fountain he and his garment are. “That’s me!” he sobs, algae-like. Heidi’s response: “Thank you for sharing, Christopher.”
• Gordana also weeps because she’s still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Crying Person and will be damned if Christopher takes that away from her in the reunion episode when past season waterworks-master Ricky arrives, train conductor’s cap now permanently affixed to his skull, to deliver the decoupage plaque commemorating the honor. Then Gordana gets eliminated alongside Christopher and all emotions drain from her face. Tears stop and the wheels of commerce audibly crank and spin in her head as she plots her next move. “Is okay,” she thinks, “I make good money luring tourists to that hostel.”
• Tim Gunn, apparently also sick of everyone’s lackluster bullshit, announces that in this final challenge he wants Nina Garcia’s shoes to blow off her feet and shoot across the runway. He’d have better luck wishing that one of them would turn into a skateboarding bulldog.

--DAVE WHITE

Previously > Project Runway: Stop Copying Me!

Comments

[Alex Wilburn]

I may not be the *most loyal* follower of this show, but even I know that a yearn for the return of Suede is a dark day indeed.

[Anthony F.]

I love you, Dave. Thanks for making me laugh. I have only read your recaps and I'm glad I haven't missed anything this season.

[hillpagan]

You forgot to mention the part where all the dresses were horrible!

[sara]

I was hoping Nina Garcia's stilettos would fly off and impale one of these boring-ass designers.

[moe]

You are the most entertaining thing about Project Runway right now and the only thing I'll miss when it ends. If only you were a contestant, too. The only thing I got out of this season is how far a pretty face can take you when you have no discernible talent and I don't mean the finalists. You know who I mean.

[Jenny]

Yes, they are all boring. Irina isn't even a real villain. She should go visit Laura for lessons. Maybe have sex with Jeffrey and his venom can ooze off on her?
My question is, what is the deal with Cindy Crawford? What did she do to freeze her face? I know it must be tough to be a former super model with a younger, fresher super model who squeezes out baby Seals every few months, but Cindy must have od'd on botox because she could barely move her face.