Microorganisms Are Kinda Gay

All photos: National Geographic News

What do Portuguese man-of-wars, freshwater algae, and protein molecules have in common? At obscene levels of magnification, they kinda look like the afterbirth of a drug-fueled, homosexual sex party co-curated by Bruce Vilanch and the ghost of Liberace. That's right, the results of the 2009 BioScapes microscope imaging contest are in! They reveal a magical, multicolored miniverse that apparently pervades all creation.

Last year's winners looked more like MS-DOS screen-savers and variations on vagina dentata. But, this year the selection committee yielded to the intense lobbying of international zoologists to "go gay!" in search of a broader audience with more disposable income.

Mama nature didn't disappoint. The above is not a colorful ball of vintage yarn required to recreate a 1980s Dior sweater set. It's a picture of protein being created as cells divide taken by biologist Chung-Ju Rachel Wang, of the University of California, Berkeley. And, below, we have not the pink-colored candy necklace to help keep your eyes rolled forward at the White Party in Miami. It's actually the Portuguese man-of-war's venomous tentacles snapped by biologist Alvaro Migotto of Brazil's University of Sao Paulo.

Check out the rest of the winners at National Geographic.

Previously > Mondays with Morrissey

Quickies: Bohemian Border Patrol

> The Muppets get Queen-y.

> Are your friends so dazey-eyed and frothy-mouthed over Twilight it almost seems like they're on some kind of opiate? They might be.

> Oh, Canada. Bored border agents seized a trio of here! films en route to a gay film fest in Ottawa over the weekend, and are holding onto them "until they can be screened from start to finish." 

> Tom Ford and Harvey Weinstein (sorta) attempt to explain A Single Man's less-than-gay marketing.

Previously > Alan Cumming Receives OBE from Princess Anne

Quickies: Primetime Gays and Gagaian Symbolism

Photo: Getty Images

> "There’s been a real void in the 90210 universe in terms of gay and bisexual characters," admits executive producer Rebecca Sinclair in Entertainment Weekly. Hence, she promises that a budding romantic plot line involving new character Gia (Rumer Willis, pictured) and Adrianna won't be just a fling. "We’re coming at this [relationship] from a genuine place and not going, ‘Let’s do a titillating story that will grab some promotion.’ This is a real aspect of teenager life that’s interesting," she says. Adrianna's adolescence has already included some good old-fashioned drug addiction and a full-term pregnancy, so hey, what's a little lesbian love? 

> A character on NBC's paramedic drama Trauma came out this week. Then the show got canceled. But! We still have Guillermo Diaz (and bizarro Georgina!) on Mercy, which has been picked up for a full season.

> If you've been feeling like Project Runway is falling flat this season, you're not alone. Viewership has fallen more than 20% since this season's debut in August on its new network, Lifetime. Moreover, the show has done little to refresh Lifetime's midwestern mommish look as it was intended: the network's overall ratings continue to spiral downward.

> Would you like some Freemasonry with that Sanrio? Here's an analysis of obscure symbolism in Gaga's costumes that will just make the afternoon fly right by. 

> Also, fruit bats have oral sex!

Previously: Project Runway: Stop Copying Me!

Two Words: Cat Idol

American Idol revolutionized the music industry, yanking the task of crowning new pop royalty out of the hands of stodgy old execs and handing it to the common people -- the glorious, unrefined mass of us, clutching our cell phones in one hand and a Butterfinger in the other. So it was only a matter of time before the earth-shattering formula should spread to an industry that was perhaps among the oldest and stodgiest on the planet -- the cat show.

Gone are the days of highly esteemed professionals wielding magnifying glasses and measuring tapes to determine who the top cat is by their stuffy standards! History made at New York City's CFA Iams Cat Idol competition at the CFA-AKC Meet the Breeds event October 17-18, when for the first time a popular vote will determine the winning cat. This is a new era of cat celebrity, one in which we, the people, have the power to democratically elect our favorite feline! (Is it any coincidence that the celebrity cat circuit is currently ruled by a Bombay who goes by the name Barack Obama?) Get over to the Javits Center, people, and do your civic duty. 

Previously > DWTS Gets Homo-tastic

What's Poppin' with Genital-headed Ghostsharks?

Good morning; a species of shark with a retractable penis that "resembles a spiked club at the end of a stalk" protruding from its forehead has been discovered in the Pacific ocean. It's called the Eastern Pacific black ghostshark and it's not something you'd want to encounter in a dark alley -- or, for that matter, the dark depths of the super-deep ocean, where it's been kicking around for the past 400 million years.

This sexy beast actually belongs to a little-studied fish species spookily called "big black chimaeras," which are thought to be the oldest fish on the planet. Douglas Long, co-author of a recent study that identified them, likens exploring the deepest reaches of the sea to Christmas: "You don't know what you're going to get, but you know it's going to be great." 

Previously > What's Poppin' with Gay Penguins?

Gay Up Meets "Goring" Wounds

Photo: Getty Images

A Spanish bullfighter is looking to make a little extra cash by using his cape to advertise a new beverage aimed at gays. Matador Joselito Ortega will peddle Gay Up -- originally a soft drink from Columbia made from strawberries but re-conceptualized for its European release as an energy drink to capture queer dollars -- from the ring despite the fact the move is causing controversy in the macho bullfighting community.

"I am a bullfighter. That is not going to change. I am going to go out into the ring as I have done until now, to risk my life, and the seven goring wounds on my body prove that," he told The AP Wednesday. "If the gay community welcomes me as an image or a symbol, that is fine." Ortega added, "It is a matter of changing what is normal, or usual, within this world that seems so untouchable."

Ortega officially became a matador three years ago but has spent little time in the ring due to injuries stemming from repeated gorings. It is his relative obscurity that makes his spokesmanship possible as it's virtually unheard of for a top rated matador -- many of whom are considered as famous as movie stars or more conventional sports figures in Spain -- to advertise from the arena.

Juan Belmonte, a bullfighting commentator for TV station Canal Sur in Seville, believes that the flare up over Ortega's Gay Up partnership -- the product name will be embroidered on his cape in large red letters -- has less to do with him promoting a gay drink and more with his advertising in the ring. "It is like prostituting the cape," Belmonte said.

In this market, it's either prostitute the cape or prostitute yourself, so we can't really blame the guy for being ingenious enough to use whatever real estate he has available to pull in a few extra dollars and -- with a mug and (presuambly) an ass like that -- certainly a few new fans.

Previously > Win A Date With Nick Lachey

What's Poppin' with Glam Spiders from Space?

A rare and extremely flamboyant (read: giant, yellow) species of spider has been discovered in Malaysia and christened Heteropoda davidbowie. Obviously.

The name, chosen by German spider expert Peter Jäger, is reportedly a reference to Bowie's seminal Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. Not to mention, the arachnid in question -- click here to see for yourself -- looks like something straight out of The Labyrinth.

But more than merely an homage, this is a plan to get shallow people who only care about celebrities (like us!) to pay more attention to endangered spiders. And it worked! Because we would totally run screaming from -- but not squish -- this guy if he ever showed up in our bathtub. 

Previously > What's Poppin' with Cross-Dressing Kittens?

Chatter: Aubrey O'Day

"She likes to have looks. It actually seems like such a taboo weird thing nowadays, but if you research online, you will see a whole underworld of dogs who are dyed."

-- Aubrey O'Day on the joys -- and Internet–proven non-cruelties -- of keeping her 1-year-old teacup Maltese, Ginger, in style.