Enough chatter about Levi and his hockey stick on the imaginary cover of Playgirl. Child's play! We all know the sexy grown-ups are on the cover of People -- at least once a year, when the magazine names its Sexiest Man Alive. Yesterday Johnny Depp reprised his 2003 victory, taking the title for 2009. So what's it take to win the distinction? Hint: Levi's gonna need a few more years under his belt and, um, at least a few blockbuster movies -- or some such career -- before he's eligible.
In an attempt to discern the magic sexy formula, Slate analyzed a sampling of quotes from People editors explaining how honorees from years past earned the distinction. ("He can wear gold teeth and still look good," was cited among the considerations for Depp's previous crowning.) Suffice it to say, you might be competitive if you've got a "a hard body with a soft center," a "down-to-earth Aussie vibe," an "elegant, but down to earth" air, "a twinkle in the eye," or are just "wonderfully ordinary." You're still gonna need decent bone structure though. And a really good publicist.
Joanna has no more pressure to worry about. And it's a good thing we learned all about her upbringing on Monday night, so last night's elimination could be even more heartfelt and goosebump-inducing, as she and Derek did their last Viennese waltz across the dance floor at the show's end. But don't worry, Joanna, you can follow in the footsteps of last season's finalist Melissa Rycroft (who?) and come back again for a cameo in a results show routine next year! I wonder who thought, Hey, let's have the Bachelor lady pop out of nowhere during a routine to the Bee Gees singing "You Should Be Dancing."
And now there are the final three. How will this play out?
Donny Osmond: He's an energetic and perpetually professional showman, but his buoyancy can be grating when it becomes self-flagellating. Primary advantage: a favorite among the wholesome primary audience demographic, namely your mom and grandmom. And guess what? They must vote, because he has been saved readily every week, never even landing in the bottom two.
Kelly Osbourne: An emotional and inspiring blossoming flower, they love talking about what a lady the young Osbourne has become, and what Middle American doesn't enjoy seeing a loudmouth, rock and roll, drug addicted teenager become a socially acceptable feminine woman? But Kelly's talent is that her genuine elation about uncovering passion and talent for dancing transcends the simple makeover story, so those of us who loved her on The Osbournes love her as much now, for the same reasons.
Mya: The leaderboard shoe-in, the one to beat. She has never been near the bottom two, so audiences must also favor the R&B star and her pristine routines. Her biggest obstacle to overcome is Len, who seems to alternate between skewering her routines for being too dramatic and giving a low score, or praising her form but making creepy remarks about her "tutti fruity booty." I suppose in the case of the latter, if the judge is handing out ten's, perhaps tolerating such scrutiny is the price to bring home the disco ball trophy.
Come back on Monday for our exclusive interview with Mya.
> Taking the words right out of the mouth of James "It's performance art" Franco, Lady Gaga (above, performing at Saturday's MOCA NEW 30th anniversary gala in L.A.) explains her appearance on tonight's episode of Gossip Girl thusly:"It’s very performance art." The lady will provide a "fashion montage"/rendition of "Bad Romance" set at her real-life alma matter NYU in an episode fittingly titled "The Last Days of Disco Stick."
> Funny lady and friend of the gays Kathy Griffin is crossing over... to crime drama. She'll appear on the February 10 episode of Law and Order: SVUplaying a "lesbian activist."
In this cold, cruel, economically punishing more-Precious-than-Pinocchio-world it's rare that dreams ever come true anymore. But don't tell that to Rocky Bennett, a 21-year-old British chap who starred in his own real life fairy tale last week when he met Prince Harry at a bar and convinced the royal fire crotch to trade a kiss for a Stella Artois.
Bennett told News of the World, "I went up to him and told him I would love to buy him a drink
-- if he gave me a kiss. Harry just burst out laughing, threw his arms around
me and kissed me on the left cheek. I'm not going to wash my face for a month now!"
A rep for Prince Harry confirmed that he was enjoying a night out with his friends at Liquid night club located in Stevenage, Herts.
"He was with about eight other guys and security was tight but when I went
over to him he was lovely. I told him how much I had admired his mother
Princess Diana and how I thought she would be proud of him. He seemed very merry but he was still willing to talk to people," Bennett said. Sam Smith, a friend out with Bennett added, "Afterwards we saw him in the McDonald's across the road. Harry ordered a
quarter pounder meal with a coke -- I think he wanted to sober up."
Because famous or not famous, royal or commoner, gay or straight, the thing that unites us all is McDonald's French fries.
Vapid Vacancy
Who knew the hope for our world’s future would come from down under? After Australia called "tool of Satan" Britney Spears out for doing, essentially, nothing (can’t sing or dance, according to the Aussies) New Zealand got in on the act by attacking another of our precious, airhead “celebs,” Paris Hilton. A billboard company, advertising its available rental space, posted a photo of the heiress with the word Vacant under her face. Now that’s a little truth in advertising. Now if only some of this clear-headedness could start flowing north…
Blonde Chicks Rule!
In news of talented blondes, Carrie Underwood rocked as co-host (with cowboy-hatted Brad Paisley) at the Country Music Awards Wednesday night. The Oklahoma girl looked pretty glam in each of her 10 (!) outfits, though Jesus must have lost control of the wheel when he saw the American Idol winner give a whorehouse-inspired performance of her new hit “Cowboy Casanova.” And 19-year-old Taylor Swift swept the awards claiming wins for Album of the Year (Fearless), Music Video of the Year (“Love Story”), Female Vocalist of the Year (which is kind of odd, because for as talented as she is as a songwriter, her vocals aren’t her strongest asset -- though it appears she does indeed actually do the singing herself!) and the big one: Entertainer of the Year. She’s the youngest artist to ever claim that title. And she has Taylor Lautner. How do I get this girl’s life?
Miley Goes Gay
The only pop star who can likely understand just what Swift’s life is like these days is Miley Cyrus. And though she’s only 16 and making many “mistakes" that many 16-year-olds (boys and girls) might make, the girl that Timbaland tells Entertainment Weekly is going to be the next Justin Timberlake (saying, “She comes from that same musical background, where she’s just got it. Her voice is just there. The best way to put it is she’s special.”) might just want to keep in mind that she’s got a lotta gay boys and girls (tweens and otherwise) as fans. At a recent concert in Kentucky, it appears (the operative word here) that she substituted the word gay for games in her hit song “7 Things,” singing “You’re vain / you’re gay.” Now, this doesn’t mean she’s a raging homophobe. A lot of people (including some gays I know) use the word gay to mean lame. I’ve never understood that, but I also don’t find it necessarily offensive. She should, however, be aware how much power she has over young people. She’s like Spider-man. She has a lot of power, which means she has a lot of responsibility. So use your powers for good, gurl!
Life Beyond Palin and Playgirl
Porn may not be the highest achievement Levi Johnston is aiming for. While his Playgirl spread is set to infest the Internet next week, he’s told New York magazine that he’s thinking of pursuing a career in country music. With his days in rural Alaska, he’d at least know what he was singing about.
Another Golden Girl Gone?
Hot on the heels of the news that Rue McClanahan had to bow out of an event set to celebrate everything Rue last week due to heart surgery comes news that Betty White’s health is in trouble. At least on television. TVGuideMagazine.com reported that the erstwhile Rose Nylund’s days may by numbered on daytime soap The Bold & the Beautiful. Ann Douglas, mother to Susan Flannery’s matriarch Stephanie and Alley Mills’ daffy Pam, returns to L.A. next week for a few days and it just may be because her health is failing. Luckily, White’s pluckier than that: She’s set to be honored with the 2009 Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award.
OK, he didn't really collapse, but we were concerned it was a significant risk when the announcement came last night that he was eliminated from the competition. Luckily, everyone was prepared for the situation, and Len even made a special speech about what a lovely young man he is and how much he has achieved this season, and that if Aaron was his son, he would be very proud of him. Awwww. I am relieved Aaron is leaving if only because the constant ribbing about his crying was starting to feel a little mean. We get it, he's young with a low tolerance for pain -- give him a few years and some sessions with a leather daddy and both of these issues will get resolved. Or maybe some of us like him this fresh and fragile? And I don't mean me: during the DanceCenter segment (Dancing with the Stars meets ESPN's SportsCenter), Jerry Rice calls him "a snowflake on a lily pad."
So now we are left with four competitors: Mya, Joanna, Donny and Kelly. Donny has the psychological strength of character, but his physical stamina might falter (this is not a sly comment on his age, the man is simultaneously performing a show in Vegas!), while Kelly will need to dig deep and show she can consistently perform well in all three of her dances next week. Both of them are crowd favorites and have brought the most moments of sweetness and joy to the show this season, so their fans could conceivably carry them both through the semifinals and into the final three, but I suspect the trophy will boil down to a battle between Derek's inspired choreography and competitive will to win (while carrying Joanna with him) versus Mya's superior dancing chops.
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