Project Runway: Pantone 186 C

Photo: NBC

A real-life conversation between some Campbell’s Tomato Soup and a dress. All dialogue guaranteed real, yet inexplicably cut from last night’s episode.

Soup: So… you’re me. But a dress.

Dress: Aren’t I inspiring? I’m for a heart disease charity. Do you feel empowered by me yet?

Soup: Where’s your grilled cheese sandwich? Can they dunk one into you? I’m confused.

Dress: We entertained that idea and played around with some sandwiches glue-gunned to my ass, but my designer felt that over-embellishment would make Heidi question his taste level not once, but twice. He wants to avoid that.

Soup: Nice rhinestone straps.

Dress: Why don’t you take off your sunglasses? You’ll be able to see how cootery I am.

Soup: Couture? Do you mean couture?

Dress: Right. Yes, that’s what I said.

Soup: Right. Yes. Sorry. I have no ears. I’m soup. Let me take off the shades here.

Dress: See? I’M SHINY!

Soup: …

Dress: I SAID I’M SHINY!

Soup: Like a million suns.

Dress: Like how he used your logo on me? It was a requirement but he really made it elegant. I’m healing heart disease right now, by the way. I’m going to cure all the diseases, especially fatness. That’s the worst one. I’m also a scientist.

Soup: I see the logo. It’s not NASCAR jacket-y at all.

Dress: I’m going outside now to streetwalk up and down the avenue and show everyone how it’s done, this whole making soup into a dress thing.

Soup: I bet you meet a lot of really friendly guys out there.

Dress: HEART DISEASE, YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED BECAUSE OF FASHION!

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > Project Runway: How to Wear a Beef t-shirt

The Day-Glow

Photo: Getty Images

I admit it -- I'm a fan of Say Yes To The Dress. The slutty ensembles purchased by devout Christians, the closeted brothers acting as style mentors, the MILFs using camera time to expose their boobies -- it's totally my guilty pleasure. However, there is one element of the show that I cannot accept: bridal consultant Camille. Ignore her comments or her fashion suggestions, and just stare at her face. Her skin is so oily that Sophia Loren bottles her greasy goodness for pre-Award ceremony cover-up. This cannot be healthy. As her lips get larger, her pores grow deeper, so much so that they begin to radiate their own light.
 
This must be day-glow. This is not to be confused with a tan. A tan comes from the outside in, while the day-glow comes from the inside out.
 
But let us not think Camille is a revolutionary! Remember Steven "Cojo" Cojocaru (above) -- Canadian fashion critic with five-second slots on Entertainment Tonight? Even before his kidney transplants, he was the day-glow pioneer. Not quite orange and not quite albino, his skin is situated somewhere between vampire and oompa loompa. Cojo's screen time is met with constant cringes for fear beams of ultraviolet rays will permeate the television screen and obliterate my existence. No, I am not exaggerating. Added to the pack of day-glowers is The Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan. Though his skin is darker than the other two day-glow nominees, it is no less shiny. Dogs can literally see their reflection on his forehead. Maybe this is the secret to his training technique.
 
It almost seems that day-glow evades sexuality. Yes, we know they are sometimes gay or transexually inclined (Cesar undoubtedly included, despite his marriage), but can we picture them in any sort of sexualized situation? Would sex be impossible due to the lack of friction caused by heavy sheen? Or sadly, is the day-glow the new mustache?
 
In my mere 21-years of life I have spent approximately $10,000 (facials, humidifiers, La Mer lotion, etc.) on trying to erase oiliness. I wasted countless days of my middle school career attempting to hide what the Jewish gods so graciously bestowed upon me. I have scrubbed, I have dehydrated, and I have soaked. And right when my skin suddenly becomes matte, oily becomes fashionable. Excuse me, I've got some Oreos to fry.
 
-- COURTNEY NICHOLS

For more from Courtney Nichols, visit http://www.fruitflylife.com.

Previously > Gaga gets inked

OUT predicts the Grammys

 
Photo: Getty Images

Glamour. Music. Gaga. Get yourself ready for music’s biggest night: The Grammys. With more performers being announced seemingly every day, this year’s show looks to be bigger than ever.

Recently under fire for their approval of an ad from the anti-gay group Focus on the Family and subsequent rejection of an ad for gay dating site ManCrunch.com, CBS will be broadcasting the music award show this Sunday at 8pm.

Lady Gaga will be opening the show, with a rumored guest appearance by none other than Elton John. Will our former cover girl’s huge 2009 culminate in Grammy success? She’s got some tough competition, especially in the big categories, where’s she’s up against Taylor Swift and Beyonce for Record, Album, and Song of the year.  Let’s weigh in on everyone’s chances.

RECORD OF THE YEAR:
“Halo” ~ Beyonce
“I Got a Feeling” ~ The Black Eyed Peas
“Use Somebody” ~ Kings of Leon
“Poker Face” ~ Lady Gaga
“You Belong With Me” ~ Taylor Swift

It’s hard to think of a song that got more radio play than “I Got a Feeling” or that got stuck in your head more often than “Use Somebody.” And when I showed my mom the video for “You Belong With Me,” she started tearing up. If “Single Ladies” was nominated in this category, I’d say it would win. But with “Halo,” I don’t think Queen B has it. Lady Gaga was big before “Poker Face” exploded, but that record rocketed her into the stratosphere of stardom. With reference to her controversial muffin, a killer video, and even a hilarious clip of Jude Law reading the lyrics on Jimmy Fallon, nothing was bigger in ’09 than “Poker Face.”

OUT predicts: “Poker Face”

ALBUM OF THE YEAR:
I am… Sasha Fierce ~ Beyonce
The E.N.D. ~ The Black Eyed Peas
The Fame ~ Lady Gaga
Big Whiskey and The Googrux King ~ Dave Matthews Band
Fearless ~ Taylor Swift

These were all huge sellers in 2009, except maybe Big Whiskey and The Googrux King, and it’s nice to see the Grammys nominating what people actually seem to be listening to. Beyonce showed a new and fabulously insane side to her with I am… Sasha Fierce and the Black Eyed Peas came back with a vengeance with The E.N.D. I’d love to predict Gaga for every award, but that’s not quite fair now, is it?  Fearless was by far the highest selling album of 2009. With catchy tunes and a wholesome image that has entranced teenagers and their mothers alike, it’s hard to deny Ms. Swift’s appeal. I just hope Kanye’s not sitting in the front row.

OUT predicts: Fearless

SONG OF THE YEAR:
“Poker Face” ~ Lady Gaga & redOne, songwriters (Lady Gaga)
“Pretty Wings” ~ Hod David & Musze, songwriters (Maxwell)
“Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” ~ Thaddis Harrell, Beyonce Knowles, Terius Nash & Christopher Stewart, songwriters (Beyonce)
“Use Somebody” ~ Caleb Followill, Matthew Followill, Jared Followill & Nathan Followill, songwriters (Kings of Leon)
“You Belong With Me” ~ Liz Rose & Taylor Swift, songwriters (Taylor Swift)

A lot of people don’t understand the difference between Record and Song of the Year.  Record is awarded to the artist, for an overall fabulous performance. It’s basically “best single.”  Song of the year, on the other hand, is awarded to the songwriter(s), a group that is often overlooked in this world of countless “artists” who don’t write a word of their songs. That being said, was there a song catchier or more widely known than “Single Ladies”? Apparently even Obama knows the dance! Beyonce, even as a married woman, you and your team still rocked it out and produced an anthem for single people everywhere. All hail Queen B.

OUT predicts: “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)”

-- ANDREW WAILES

Previously > Start Your Engines: RuPaul's Drag Race Gears Up for Season Two

Project Runway: How To Wear A Beef T-Shirt

Photo: NBC

There were almost as many life lessons to be learned on this week’s team challenge edition of Project Runway as there are kookoo-bananas fashion ideas in Ping’s head. (Goodbye, awesome lady. You were misunderstood.)

1. When you work on a team, you should cooperate:
They used to do a whole bit about this on Sesame Street. It was a way to teach kids how to be socialists. It didn’t work, obviously, and the world is a sadder place for not listening to Muppet wisdom.

2. "I will throw her under the bus" is a cliche:
An imaginative person always finds a new way to express his or her lack of generosity. But if you’re stuck, maybe you could go with something like "I’LL TEAR YOUR SOUL APART!" It’s never wrong to steal lines from Pinhead.

3. Find out who’s good at what and quit your bellyaching:
You can sew all fast? Then fuckin’ SEW. That other lady can make a great weird futuristic track suit/evening wear jacket and needs to spend 48 hours doing just that? LET HER. Make the boss look good and you’ll look good when the boss is out with the H1N1.

M4M Fun Heats Up A/X's Spring/Summer 2010 Campaign

Marlon Teixeria and Clint Mauro get up close and personal for A/X:

Previously > John Edwards Has a Sex Tape?

Project Runway: Lap It Up

Photo courtesy of NBC

Louanna got kicked off! Sorry, wrong show. But at least now you know what happened on Launch My Line and we can move on.

The challenge: Make an outfit from a burlap sack with your model as your client, listening to their often contradictory requests. Do your best not to ignore the challenge entirely (Jesus), not to leave your model’s ass fully exposed (Ping) and not to make something that looks uglier than a burlap sack (Pamela, ejected). If you can, trick the judges into thinking you used fancy material instead of burlap and do a cartwheel in a field of mud (Jay, who won).

The second episode of a Project Runway season is where you really get a feeling for the general temperament of the designers. Self-aggrandizing introductions are over and the work can actually begin. Are they dullards who just hunch over the sewing machines or do they mix it up and fight? Are they sincere and weepy? Do any of them seem delusional to the point of needing psychiatric care? Assholish? Too gay to function? Like they’d otherwise be covered in cat hair?

Four main themes this week:

1.    Lucha Libre:
Anthony and Mila make their respective claws go snickety-snick on each other (she starts it) but it goes nowhere fast. In fact, it looks as though he’s the one shutting it down. This is a good sign. He never closes his mouth (“Mila can kiss me [sic] and my entire family’s asses.”] and seems like one of those gays who lives to mix it up at the featheriest hint of a personal slight. I approve of his casting.

2.    Tim Gunn’s Super-Face:
Watch him roll his eyes when he learns that a designer’s model-client has stipulated the use of totally inappropriate detailing material to femme up the sack. Watch him get the apoplectic shakes when he realizes how little time Jay has to complete his elaborate skirt and how unfazed Jay seems by this situation. Watch him look askance at Ping’s ugly conceptual ass-crack-dress.

3.    Please Watch Models of The Runway.
Brand-building continues. They allowed the models to pick their own designers this week. That was cool. But they’re also trying to make us learn their names and care about what happens to them. Nina talked about one of the ladies as though she helped the designer in the sewing room. Untrue. My problem is that I can barely keep the remaining 15 designers straight. I have no room for models.

4.    You Suck:
The judges are already pretty fond of the sentence “We question your taste level.” They can’t stop using it on Jesus, who was in the bottom two for the second week in a row. They also used it on Pamela, obviously, or she’d still be here. It makes you wonder about the taste level of the people who tried out but didn’t get on the air. Maybe they should spend more of each season’s first episode showing us the auditions like American Idol does. What if people are showing up dressed as the Statue of Liberty? Or what if Angela, headmistress of Jubliee Jumbles, forgot she was already on an earlier season and tried out again? The people have a right to know.

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > Project Runway: Let's Pretend L.A. Never Happened

Cristiano Ronaldo is the New Face (and Body) of Armani

Picking up where David Beckham left off, Cristiano Ronaldo, who Armani describes as "the essence of youth" and claims possesses "the perfect physique," is the newest spokesman for Emporio Armani underwear. Shots of the 24-year-old Real Madrid football star will appear in magazines and on billboards beginning next month.

To see other sports stars straight off the field, into the studio, and out of their uniforms, check out our Sporno: The Sports Ads Edition slide show at Out.com.

Previously > Tiger Woods Goes Shirtless

Project Runway: Let’s Pretend L.A. Never Happened

Okay, for starters, I haven’t abandoned Launch My Line. But my TiVo ate Wednesday’s episode and it won’t be re-aired until this weekend. When even your DVR doesn’t care about a show, that’s a rebuke from the universe. Both of you who are actually watching it and following the recaps can just email me and tell me what happened.

Meanwhile, Project Runway is back and ready to erase your memories of autumn’s Great Letdown.

Heidi’s pregnant again. I think that’s a good sign. You readers who’ve attempted old-fashioned heterosexual reproduction know all about that frustrated period where you’re scheduling the “lovemaking” to coincide with your precise best day for conception and body temperature, angrily going through with it to the unfulfilling end in the hope of producing a trophy-infant ready for display. Then you think it’s happening, you feel a little bloated, but it’s a food fetus instead. Then you give up. That was last season of this show, not Heidi’s actual knocking-up process. When is Seal not putting a baby in that woman?

Anyway, her wombful of model mom/striking dad DNA is a signal of hope that the show has found its groove again. Best of all, they’re back in New York, and Kors and Nina look rested and ready to actually appear on the show again. There’s also a new, nervier batch of designers.

First impressions:

1.    Seth – Is always talking about being “in your face” and “shoving” himself at you. Looks like he listens to The Killers and owns several skinny ties.
2.    Janeane – Crying within the first two minutes. Unlike on American Idol, where I love to see them cry, I hate Runway tears. GET TO WORK!
3.    Ping – A weirdo. Has awesome sketches. Her runway look was Rei Kawakubo goes to a funeral at the farmer’s market.
4.    Ben – Is blond.