It’s what Nina Garcia has apparently gone and done while
Lifetime wasn’t paying attention. Because she is, again, absent. Once, when I
was a kid, I was absent from school for an entire week. But I had a reason
because my family was really busy taking it on the lam—my Dad had some bookies
after him, no joke—so I had to help out. Pack up my most important belongings.
Stuff like that. It was an exciting childhood. Ever have that in your school,
the kid who just disappeared with no warning? That was me. And now it’s Nina
Garcia. If you find her, please return her to Heidi Klum for what will
certainly be a stern talking to that will rival Bruno Ganz’s most
spittle-inflected scenes in Downfall.
Everyone seems out of sorts on the show this week, and not
just the recently unmarried substitute models. Shirin’s upset that the
challenge—make a new dress out of a divorced lady’s shitty old wedding
gown—seems to be out to get her. She got the sorting bag last-pick and her
woman’s dress was built from about a third of a yard of polyester fabric. Gordana
cries because her kids won’t pick up the damn phone and talk to her. I think
she was also crying because she didn’t get out of Germany as fast as she
wanted. Gordana’s kind like if glamorous former Runwayer Uli hadn’t flung
herself at Florida as fast as she could after watching her very first episode
of Miami Vice. Gordana got pregnant instead. Stayed cold. Even Logan, who is
more The Dude Abides than anyone who’s ever been within three feet of Tim Gunn,
is bitching about Irina thinking she’s a better designer than the others.
Problem with that is it’s true. She does think that. And she is better.
After teasing us during her Saturday Night Live performance last week with a 20-second preview of her next single, "Bad Romance," off the re-release of her debut album The Fame (to be repackaged as The Fame Monster with new tracks come November 24), we get a full two minutes of the synth-y surefire club stomper courtesy of Alexander McQueen's Paris fashion show held earlier this week.
After taking hit after hit of this song (we've had the YouTube clip above looping all morning) all we can say is one) we want the full HQ version IMMEDIATELY and two) this woman is apparently totally incapable of making anything other than a killer song.
The only thing we love more than The Rachel Zoe Project (we interviewed the adorable Brad Goreski last month) is this bananas parody of The Rachel Zoe Project that's on a whole other level and totally shuts it down. We die:
“I truly don’t want to go home,” says Louise, first thing. That means she goes home. But you probably had that figured out already. We’ve learned nothing about Louise until this episode and now she’s the focus. Sort of. Everything we know about her now is how much of a pain it is to work on a team with Nicolas.
This week’s challenge -- besides working with Nicolas, who’s awful as we all know -- was to make something really boring for Macy’s. The Macy’s lady shows up to tell everyone that the two pieces they’ll be designing have to be blue. Blue’s so great, the Macy’s lady tells them, because it’s so blue. They get their Macy’s dossier so they can practice being drones. Because if you think you’re the next Siriano and that Posh Spice is going to come courting you then you are living in Sillythoughtsburg. They go to Mood and they start their work. And Louise and Nicolas begin designing the two horror show dresses unveiled later on the runway. “It doesn’t worry me that Nicolas has immunity,” says Louise. Bah ha ha ha ha.
Nicolas, responding to this, basically says, “Hey, Louise, I have to stop helping you for just a second so I can walk over to the other side of the room -- follow me, camera guy -- and talk shit about you. I’ll be right back.” He does a lot of that and then hangs around some more, criticizing the ruffles that cover both weird garments. Then they lose. Nicolas has immunity and Heidi reminds him that he is very, very lucky.
And the best part of this episode is Heidi’s robot fingers. She has two of them this week. Two fingers covered in some kind of metal sheath. It’s so fascinating that it kind of trumps everything else happening this week, including the return of Michael Kors. Remember him? Anyway, they’re her version of brass knuckles. If we’re very, very lucky like Nicolas, she’ll put on more and more robot fingers each week, eventually covering her entire body in a sleek suit of armor so she can lay waste to the remaining challenge losers. I can dream. With this many boring designers that’s about all there is to do.
I know I’m being a whiny baby right now, but I’ve had to suffer through three straight weeks of no Michael Kors and no Nina Garcia. AND IT’S NOT RIGHT. I believe Ms. Garcia to be rad through and through, and I’m surprising myself by how much I miss Mr. Tan-gerine Man, as well. The official excuse for their absence is that they had other jobs they had to do during the month-long shoot. In fact, here’s what Garcia told the Los Angeles Times:
“The reality is that both Michael and myself have other jobs besides Project Runway and he probably had to work on his following collection and I had to go to the collections. When it was in L.A. and in that time period that we filmed, it was very difficult to be there the entire time. He has another job, he’s a designer and work on his collection, and I had to fly to Paris to see the fashion shows for the fall. It was impossible to be there for an entire month.”
He “probably” had to work? She doesn’t know? They’re not on speaking terms? They shot during a time when they knew that she’d have to be gone for three challenges in a row? My understanding is that people have to sign contracts to be on TV shows and they’re obligated to be there for that amount of time. You clear your calendar. But if this is the havoc Los Angeles is going to wreak on this show then -- and it pains me to say this because I live in this weird city and I really love it and all of its taco trucks -- but fuck L.A. Go back to New York. Heidi may be possessed of super-strength, but she can’t do everything. She even had to break out her go-to insult, “homesewn,” to liven it up, which for her is like “your mama is so fat, etc.” (My husband just threw this one at me: “Your mama is so poor, Ayn Rand felt sorry for her.” Good one, right?)
So here’s what I think happened. I have no proof, mind you. None. This is just my mind running around in a paranoid fanboy haze. But still, I figure that they shot the whole thing thinking they were still part the NBC/Universal/Bravo/GeneralElectric/Macys/Garnier/Whatever Cancer-Creating Factory Farming Genetically Modified Corn-Growing Conglomerate they used to be a part of. And then Harvey Weinstein was like, “Fuck all y’all.” (That’s how we say it in Texas anyway, I’m sure he delivered his version like a New Yorker.) That, in turn, is when suddenly product tie-ins for various episodes are not legally part of the arrangement anymore. As in, “Oh shit, we used those Sheinhardt Wigs for that challenge and now we can’t clear them!” And that means reshoots and that means scheduling conflicts and that means some lady from Marie Claire and gentle daddy bear John Varvatos are the surprise guest judges and everyone is fucking bored out of their gourd.
On to other subjects that matter: I hate Nicolas (above). So do the other members of my household and so do all my friends. I took a cafeteria poll. And we’ve all decided that he’s our go-to dumping ground this season. If the show is positioning him as the annoying villain then they’re doing a good job. Because every time he opens his mouth I want to punch it.
Long before Lady Gaga was dressing as a crime-fighter gone wrong, there were other fashionable pop stars and models making fashion headlines: superheroes. With the release of this month's Models Inc., a new series that brings the first model superhero, Millie Collins, into the 21st century, it's safe to say that models can do more than just make love to the camera. The first issue has everything one would want in a fashion comic book: glamorous photo shoots in Central Park, a lesbian supermodel sidekick, and a gay photographer to dream about long after you've closed the issue.
The best part of Models Inc. is the bonus second story starring no other than Tim Gunn himself entitled "Loaded Gunn." Gunn, a fan of comics since childhood, was honored when asked by Marvel if he would like to star in a stand-alone story in their new fashion comic book. When a museum exhibit of superhero fashion through ages is attacked by a group of terrorists out to steal the various suits and uniforms from comic's most famous heroes, it is up to Gunn (with a little help from Iron Man) to save the day. With his classic phrases such as "Gather 'round, everyone" and the likeness of a Tim Gunn action figure, this is a fun story for Project Runway and comic fans alike.
From X-Men teammate, Dazzler, who had a career as a disco pop princess, to Mary Jane and Gwen Stacy, fashion has always made its way onto the paneled pages of everyone's favorite comics. Even if the title characters' outfits left you wondering if they dressed in the dark (you readin' this, Wolverine?) it was always nice to see the sidekicks and supporting characters sporting a little more fashion sense than the web-slingers in the spotlight. The second installment of Models Inc. hits stands next month, and though the following issues won't include a Tim Gunn story, the central mystery is enough to keep fans coming back for more because when the wrongfully accused Millie tries to be a detective in her Dolce, she gets in way over her head and it's up to her fellow catwalk crime-fighters to save the day.
In the brief history of pop music there exists some really awesome songs about people who lie. For my money, Michel’Le’s 1989 new-jack swing hit “No More Lies,” featuring her incredibly wacky baby-talk voice dropped into the middle of the song at random moments (“You’ve play your last game!”) is the best because you can perform some excellently dated dance moves to it if you’re of a mind.
I’m also a huge fan of L.L. Cool J’s “That’s a Lie,” from his first record, which dropped when he was like 14 years old, during an era when rap tracks were about things that weren’t cars and mansions and expensive bottles of booze. In the song, L.L. calls out his pathological acquaintance as a “professor of super-lies” right after telling him, “You’re the largest liar that was ever created… you and Pinocchio are probably related.” Meanwhile, the liar in question, never named, continues to rattle off whoppers about having a rich Asian girlfriend who wipes his butt for him. Seriously, this is in the song. No lie.
So last night on the show, Johnny decided to entertain me almost as much as those two vintage pop culture discussions about the nature of truth by forgetting that the camera was on him and keeping a record of his activities. Because even though he didn’t tell a lie like, “We know Iraq has weapons of mass destruction” or “The public healthcare option will create death panels to kill your grandparents,” he did sort of try to save stubbly face by making up several un-facts about a rogue steaming iron hellbent on sabotaging his garment.
The scenario: Tim Gunn brings everyone to the newspaper-making facilities of the Los Angeles Times and tells them that they’ll be creating their designs out of newspapers. Obviously edited out of his monologue about the Times’s cutting-edge fashion coverage: “Designers, this is a newspaper. People in ye olden tymes used to read it. And now you’ll use it as fabric. Because fuck the Internet, it’s just air and some tubes somewhere. But look at what you can do with really grubby, inky ads for Best Buy! And check out this giant surplus! In exchange for this free promotion, the Times has promised to tell its readers that we’ve not jumped the shark. Oh, and please begin fighting this episode, won’t you?”
Don’t be fooled. While those looking for men in skivvies won’t be disappointed, there’s a lot more to this artful, minimal blog. A showcase for photos pilfered from all over the place, the site presents images without text.
Context or no, the images -- whether they are candid shots of straight boys mooning guests at a party, a boxer weighing in naked before a fight, or a photo of the gay hanky code as posted in an S.F. leather shop circa 1979 -- are all compelling in their ability to amuse, arouse, remind, or inspire.
The best part? A new set (admittedly one or two often repeat) appears every time you refresh. Bookmark this time waster now.
Recent Comments
Golden Girls pack up, Lifetime vs. Bravo