THE RIGHT TO BE BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED AND/OR COMMIT SOME BRUTAL SLAUGHTER OF OUR OWN IN AN ULTRAVIOLENT VIDEO GAME!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
And you shall have it. Not now. But soon. Like this fall. And yes, yes, there have already been gay characters involved in sadistic shenanigans in different games. And yes, okay, they were often the victims. But even so, the first rung on that ladder of homo visibility in the gaming world has been scaled. This time the gay guy is going to be part of the title: Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony.
What happens? Well, it’s unclear. You’ll get to play a thug-lifed character named Luis Lopez who’s an assistant to nightclub owner “Gay Tony” Prince. And then some stuff is going to go down. Some BAD, BAD STUFF.
Now, will there really be a “Ballad of Gay Tony?” And who will sing it? And what is Luis going to be like? Will he be gay too? Will he sing the ballad? Will Gay Tony even be gay? Someone has to be, right? You’re gonna call your character Gay Tony and name the game after him then he’d better be a total fruitbasket of gayness. And it can be any type of gay. He can be femmy or butchy or whatever. But it’s vital that he have just as much access to assault weaponry as other characters and be able to put bullets into as many cops, whores and innocent bystanders as he feels like. That’s really the most important consideration if you’re going to talk about the GTA world. In this time of change we must demand equal murder-rights.
Japan -- generous and weird and excellent Japan -- gives way more pop culture than it takes. Think about it. What have we contributed to that tiny, awesome country since atomic-bombing them in World War II? Rockabilly, Alyssa Milano and… what else, exactly?
They, on the other hand, have invented Godzilla, Gamera, the singing Mothra Twins, yakuza movies, The Boredoms, coffin-sized motel rooms, Pocari Sweat soda, underpants-dispensing vending machines, Ultraman, karaoke, ninjas, pachinko and fashion gangs for Gwen Stefani to poach. And that’s just what I came up with off the top of my head.
Add Muscle March to the mountain of incredible, mind-blowing, life-altering fun explosions that seems to flow endlessly from that nation’s creative brains. It’s from NamCo Bandai, the company that already produced the crazypants roll-up-everything-in-the-universe-into-a-giant-ball video game Katamari Damacy and I think it just kicked its own ass.
Playstation Home, Sony's new 3-D Virtual world component for PlayStation 3, is barely out of the starting gates and already it's plagued with problems. Michael Marsh, a straight 18-year-old gamer, attempted to create a gay/straight alliance but found that words like "gay," "lesbian," and "bisexual" were all being filtered.
"I can understand if they're filtering out profanity, but if feel like
it's discrimination," Marsh said. "By blocking a word like 'gay,' which
is a preferred term by the gay community, you're encouraging it as a
bad word." Other words found to be blocked: "Jew," "Christ," and even "Hello," which was apparently censored because it contains the word "hell."
The filtering isn't the only glitch: women and other minority players have reported sexual and racist comments and some gamers -- seemingly those with nothing else to complain about -- are up in arms over the high prices of virtual items in Home like Diesel clothing.
Sony Computer Entertainment America spokesperson Patrick Seybold told the San Francisco Chronicle that the program, while open to the public, is still in beta testing stages and is a work in progress. "The key message is that it's a beta and it's evolving on a daily basis," he said. "We've said early on that user behavior and feedback will shape where we go with Home." He also added that when the program is out of beta testing and officially launched all of the aforementioned words should be unfiltered.
Paying high prices for designer clothing is nothing new -- especially lately -- but how are we supposed to root out other gays to have virtual hook ups with if we can't even type in g-a-y?
> Speaking of all that is old being new again: Panic at the Disco goes (even more) retro and black and white in the band's new clip for "Northern Downpour," the sweet, lyrical ballad that's their new single. If you think you know what to expect from the band -- techno cabaret, gay circus acts, piano-banging rockers -- they'll be happy to prove you wrong.
"Drawn to the ones who never yawn," by the way, is a Jack Kerouac reference. [Thanks M]
> Uh Huh Her -- the duo of Camila Grey and ex-Murmurs, current L Word star Leisha Hailey -- released this video for "Explode" today on MTVU.com, featuring the animated story of a gothic (straight) couple unhappily trolling the City of Lights. It's a little bit Everything But the Girl, but we mean that in a good way:
> Speaking of MTV and actual music videos, the network launched the beta version of MTVMusic.com this week, chock full of some 14,000-odd full-length clips going back to the channel's inception. Best/worst flashback from the otherwise very smooth and easy to navigate site: The use of Kabel, the signature font MTV labeled its videos with, dropped last year. Here, watch Everything But the Girl's "Missing (Remix)":
"Matt gets his chance to prove once and for all that he is the king of
shooters when Wallace 'Wally' Wellesley, new owner of mega game
publisher Marathon Megasoft, voiced by Neil Patrick Harris, gives Matt
his comeback role starring in a new next-gen title that pits him
against all of his memorable foes from video games past. In the world of
Eat Lead, however, everything stops being a game and becomes reality
when players discover through the original storyline brought to life by
Arnett's and Harris' voiceover that someone is using the new game to
bring about Matt's death once and for all."
Pete Andrew, vice president of product development for D3P believes that Harris and Arnett are perfect choices to helm the video game as they both "are life long video gamers and their experiences
playing games combined with their comedic genius and superb voice
talent will make Eat Lead a must-have title for Xbox 360 and
PLAYSTATION 3 system."
We're the first to admit our tendencies toward pacifism (we're lovers-slash-sexer-uppers, not fighters!) have held us back from becoming the greatest third-person shooters to ever walk the earth, but seeing as we're totally smitten with both Harris and Arnett, it might be possible to convince us to strap on some faux ammo just to hear their mellifluous voices.
There is nothing I like better than multiple obsessions coming together in one place -- and even better when they've managed to manufacture some smackdown. Like in this Rolling Stone video in which Panic at the Disco talks about how they'd like to buy the world a coke the Jonas Brothers a beer.
Jon: The Jonas Brothers did a blog about our album, about how we ripped off the Beatles but they still liked it anyway. So that's good. Ryan: Because they run the world.
And then, after slamming the JoBros' golden footwear at the VMAs -- as if Panic has any place questioning other bands' sartorial choices -- they move on to debating the best way to corrupt the young Christians.
Jon: They seem like they'd be cool guys. I don't know. Maybe give them a beer or two. Ryan: They don't drink beer. Brendon: We could do like a Bible study or something. Ryan: We could do many things.
It's also hands down the most effective and strangely enjoyable evidence I've ever seen of what ad people like to call "integrated marketing." During the opening acts, you can compete out in the hall on one of several Rock Band Xbox 360 set-ups; the best pretend players win a shot to go backstage and then rock out in front of the full arena. If we needed more evidence that Rock Band is the new karaoke, at the LA show when a band failed to meet a high enough score to keep playing, the entire crowd at Staples Center kept singing along to "Livin' on a Prayer."
> Tori Spelling has quit the new 90210 before she even started. Initially tapped to resurrect her role as boutique owner Donna Martin in the series, which premieres on September 2nd on the CW, Spelling is apparently miffed by salary differences between her and the show's other actors. It seems that Spelling was to be paid $10,000-$20,000 an episode while co-stars Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth would be pulling in $35,000-$50,000. A representative for Spelling told Usweekly.com, "At this time, there are no plans for Tori to appear in the 90210 spin-off," even though Donna Martin was mentioned in the original press release for the new show. "She thought she deserved parity, and she's got a point," an insider told DeadlineHollywoodDaily.com. Damn straight! Tori's series Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood is the highest rated show on the Oxygen network right now, she's written a best-selling book, and she has the Spelling name behind her! What more will it take for this woman to taken seriously and paid the big bucks? A hunger strike? Riots in the streets? Just say the word, Tori, and we'll start the Molotov cocktail assembly line.
> Amy Winehouse isn't merely a Grammy Award winner, now she's also the star of a video game. Created to promote the new spoof film Disaster Movie, Escape from Rehab's tag line reads in part, "[Amy] is drunk, she's drugged up, and she's in heat!" In the game, an animated Winehouse beats down Batman and The Hulk with a crack pipe and her deadly "Beehive attack" and reveals "I haven't had a crap in two weeks!" Further into the game Winehouse attempts to break her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, out of prison. But don't take our word for it -- log onto Escapefromrehabgame.com and be the big ol' mess you've always wanted to be without actually having to go to spend weeks in rehab, jail, or the dentist's chair.
> Handy with a Kiln? Killer with a glue stick? Sarah Jessica Parker is looking for you. The actress has teamed up with Magical Elves -- the producers behind Project Runway, Top Chef, and Top Design -- to create "American Artist," a new reality TV series which pits fine artists against one another with the winner receiving $100,000 for his/her trouble. The show, still in development, was recently picked up by Bravo, which, after losing it's golden egg Project Runway to Lifetime earlier this year, is looking for a new hit. Hopefully Parker will strive to see the show remain as authentic to the typical American artist experience as possible and will force the contestants to share a rat infested studio apartment where the shower doubles as the kitchen sink and the only things to eat are stale hamburger buns that were fished out of the dumpster behind the McDonalds on 2nd Ave. (For more on the Bravo curse, see Out.com's StyleList.)
> Paramount Pictures is entering the video game market by turning three of its most popular films into video games. Clueless, Mean Girls, and Pretty in Pink will each be adapted into low-cost "casual video games" by the end of the year, while other titles from the Paramount library will be turned into more expensive console video games sometime in the future. (The three teen pics were chosen as the initial offerings from Paramount because they appeal to female consumers, the largest players of casual video games, and will allow the company to get its feet wet in the video gaming market.) Though the original casts of the films are not expected to be involved with the project, we're sure there are a few actors (paging Brittany Murphy) who would have no problem jumping on board should Paramount choose to wave a few Benjamin Franklins under their noses.
> The new issue of OK! magazine is reporting that Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake will record a duet for Britney's new album, due out in December. Details are still scarce, but if the collaboration actually pans out it'll be the first time since 2001's "What It's Like To Be Me" from Britney's self-titled album that the two singers have worked together. We can't say we're shocked -- after everything we've been through with Britney, she could record a duet with Alf and we probably wouldn't bat an eyelash -- but we can say we're beyond excited and are hoping this (and Madonna's possible match-making?) is a sign we're on our way to a full-on reconciliation. Britney and Justin 4 Eva!! (Next week on White Knight Fantasy Hour: Josh Jackson and Katie Holmes.)
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