Joanna has no more pressure to worry about. And it's a good thing we learned all about her upbringing on Monday night, so last night's elimination could be even more heartfelt and goosebump-inducing, as she and Derek did their last Viennese waltz across the dance floor at the show's end. But don't worry, Joanna, you can follow in the footsteps of last season's finalist Melissa Rycroft (who?) and come back again for a cameo in a results show routine next year! I wonder who thought, Hey, let's have the Bachelor lady pop out of nowhere during a routine to the Bee Gees singing "You Should Be Dancing."
And now there are the final three. How will this play out?
Donny Osmond: He's an energetic and perpetually professional showman, but his buoyancy can be grating when it becomes self-flagellating. Primary advantage: a favorite among the wholesome primary audience demographic, namely your mom and grandmom. And guess what? They must vote, because he has been saved readily every week, never even landing in the bottom two.
Kelly Osbourne: An emotional and inspiring blossoming flower, they love talking about what a lady the young Osbourne has become, and what Middle American doesn't enjoy seeing a loudmouth, rock and roll, drug addicted teenager become a socially acceptable feminine woman? But Kelly's talent is that her genuine elation about uncovering passion and talent for dancing transcends the simple makeover story, so those of us who loved her on The Osbournes love her as much now, for the same reasons.
Mya: The leaderboard shoe-in, the one to beat. She has never been near the bottom two, so audiences must also favor the R&B star and her pristine routines. Her biggest obstacle to overcome is Len, who seems to alternate between skewering her routines for being too dramatic and giving a low score, or praising her form but making creepy remarks about her "tutti fruity booty." I suppose in the case of the latter, if the judge is handing out ten's, perhaps tolerating such scrutiny is the price to bring home the disco ball trophy.
Come back on Monday for our exclusive interview with Mya.
This relatively gentle season of Dancing with the Stars is coming to a close next week (with Whitney Houston singing at the finale!!), and last night the remaining four couples danced three routines to escape the final chopping block and make it into the last round. Donny Osmond came out of the gate flailing -- it was a painful mess of a first dance, and I was surprised he got even straight 7s -- it was that bad. The show never quite gained the same momentum, perhaps because of all the serious segments about how badly all the contestants want to win. Except for Mya. I know I sometimes hate on the DWTS equivalent of Project Runway's Irina (yes, yes, we all know you're going to win, even you), but at least I have a moment of fun watching Irina's attitude, whereas Mya the 10 Girl is nothing but polite and gracious, which is a wonderful characteristic in real life but snoozey on reality TV.
The most likely competition for snatching the disco ball trophy from Mya is the model Joanna. I still forget why she's a "Star," but last night's video cleared it up for me: communist Poland, working-poor life in Chicago, single-minded ambition, and Hugh Hefner. I'm not sure it was the wisest idea to plug your Playboy connection on the family-oriented ABC show, but maybe they have test audience stats I don't. But then everyone shut up so she and Derek could dance the cha-cha-cha to Kylie's "Can't Get You Out of My Head" in red fringey pants.
Popnography has a hard time resisting Kylie. So will the "swimsuit model" stand in the final three? It seems that Kelly and Donny are racing for the third spot, with Kelly having a slight edge because of higher judge's scores and Donny's recent ballroom floor falterings. He might be well-loved enough to get the votes to keep him in the horse race, but the safest bet to place next week will be Mya to win, Joanna to place, and Kelly to show.
OK, he didn't really collapse, but we were concerned it was a significant risk when the announcement came last night that he was eliminated from the competition. Luckily, everyone was prepared for the situation, and Len even made a special speech about what a lovely young man he is and how much he has achieved this season, and that if Aaron was his son, he would be very proud of him. Awwww. I am relieved Aaron is leaving if only because the constant ribbing about his crying was starting to feel a little mean. We get it, he's young with a low tolerance for pain -- give him a few years and some sessions with a leather daddy and both of these issues will get resolved. Or maybe some of us like him this fresh and fragile? And I don't mean me: during the DanceCenter segment (Dancing with the Stars meets ESPN's SportsCenter), Jerry Rice calls him "a snowflake on a lily pad."
So now we are left with four competitors: Mya, Joanna, Donny and Kelly. Donny has the psychological strength of character, but his physical stamina might falter (this is not a sly comment on his age, the man is simultaneously performing a show in Vegas!), while Kelly will need to dig deep and show she can consistently perform well in all three of her dances next week. Both of them are crowd favorites and have brought the most moments of sweetness and joy to the show this season, so their fans could conceivably carry them both through the semifinals and into the final three, but I suspect the trophy will boil down to a battle between Derek's inspired choreography and competitive will to win (while carrying Joanna with him) versus Mya's superior dancing chops.
This week it's the quarterfinals of Dancing with the Stars, which means only two more weeks of having to bear with Tom Bergeron's unfunny attempts at banter and Samantha's unfashionable attempts at hair. But we accept such inane hosting skills because of the excitement of the live dances, and last night, the second hour of dancing had enough amazing moments that let me forget their aforementioned annoying presence.
The inevitable finally occurred on Monday: Mya received a perfect 10. She actually almost did it twice, getting a 29 for her quickstep (which was technically nice but creatively boring), then nailing the coveted 30 for her '70s style samba. Carrie Ann has said she doesn't believe that Mya wants the trophy, but this dance finally convinced her and is almost convincing me. Picking Donna Summer's "Bad Girls" is never going to be a bad idea.
This was the highest scoring dance of the night, but the two Paso Dobles that followed brought in even more entertainment points. Now, if you watched the show live, you know that Joanna and Derek danced first and Donnie and Kym danced second, with the former couple being called genius and the latter couple, doing an 80s Adam Ant style Paso Doble, deemed a mess. And the judges were right: the outfits, the makeup and hair, not to mention the performance of the Dead or Alive song. Bruno said it had more camp than a drag queen convention, and as usual he's hyperbolic, but not entirely wrong. However, I still loved every second of it.
Maybe I'm just a sucker for a performance in a cape.
But the big surprise for the night was Derek and Joanna with their Paso Doble from the future. No, they didn't score three 10s (only a 29, damn Carrie Ann's eagle eyes for spotting a misstep!), but the combination of song choice, theme, choreography, outfits, and lighting came together brilliantly. That lascivious golden Mormon boy Derek is definitely talented.
My fascination with Michael came to an end last night on DWTS, as he was the first star to get eliminated flat-out, and it made me wonder, does the proportion of judges scores to audience votes remain the same throughout the run of the show? The explanations are always vague, which seems suspicious. Statistics aside, we were left with the next two couples at the bottom, Marc and Aaron. Oh, Aaron. Poor, poor bottom-two Aaron. He was so confused when that depressing red light shown down on him -- he was flying too high on his double-10s from the judges the night before.
Before we could see the dance-off!, we first watched Rod Stewart do a drunk but entertaining version of his classic "Same Old Song", and then pros Mark Ballas and Derek Hough performed some song about watching bodies (clip above), but it was a little hard to understand what they were singing while dancing simultaneously. However, their lack of cardio wasn't the real problem, it just didn't have the same catchy vanity song chops of say... Don't Be Tardy for the Party.
Then the really great television started with the dance-off!: Mark Dacascos was reunited with his bad girl Lacey and they did a pretty decent cha-cha. The judges were perhaps overly gracious with him, cautiously waiting to see what Aaron would follow with -- they aren't so keen on sending home dancers to whom they have issued coveted tens. Then followed the fragile broken boy himself, digging deep and doing a second jive, that was arguably BETTER than the one he performed the night before. The judges carefully sent home the Iron Chef host with accolades and respect, and the Golden Boy lives on to dance another week. Watch the battle again and ponder how Aaron will attempt to squeeze more votes out of America.
Since we saw him last week, Aaron Carter butched it up and started growing a goatee, so that he could dance the jive to Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" while wearing a skinny tie and maroon velvet suit. And you know what? It worked. It was bizarre, energetic, compelling, and technically on point. When the judges gave out their approval, he drank it up readily, even when Len toyed with him about possibly offering a coveted 10 paddle. Their dance was the best ranked of the night out of the seven couples, but they aren't at the top spot because the Tango team won the group challenge, giving swimsuit model Joanna Krupa the highest overall score.
Last week I was creeped out by Derek's emerging sexual proclivities, and the show seized on this opportunity to make the couples' practice segment a poor attempt at a skit about Derek's romantic inclinations towards Joanna, for the sake of an authentic rumba dance, of course. They redeemed themselves during the actual dance to "Look of Love," which was perfectly sublime. It's hard to believe she is the same performer from the first couple weeks, as now she is on the warpath to winning this competition -- perhaps in defiance to those who question how her standing as a swimsuit model qualifies to makes her a 'star' -- so Donnie Osmond needs to watch his back for nabbing a slot in the top three to compete in the finals. Since it has become compulsory for me to talk about Michael Irvin, did everyone see his abs when standing backstage after the group Paso dance?!? Interviews where happening, but all I saw was his perfect six pack. I blame Len for putting ideas in my head, since he started off the show telling Michael he started out with low expectations for him in the beginning of the competition, but he phrased it as: "for the first few weeks, all I wanted to do was watch your backside."
Two more couples are going home tonight. There are still no guarantees, of course, but I would not bet on Mark making it back next week, which is sad because he was really improving, but his dance partner Lacey got sick this past week, sidelining his momentum as well. Last night he got a lot of grim polite smiles and pleasant respectful comments about his mediocre dancing that suffered because of the crisis. I am predicting Kelly and Michael will battle it out in the dance-off, which will help sustain interest during the portions of the show with Rod Stewart singing(!!), as well as the singing performance of professional dancers Derek and Mark(?!?!).
Melissa Joan Hart, aka Clarissa the Teenage Witch, hit bottom last night -- the lowest score combined of the judges points and the audience votes -- and it's too bad because her eye makeup was damn fierce. Though I suppose if she had been safe, we wouldn't have had so many great close-ups to admire the yellow and blue eyeshadow.
After her departure was announced, the two couples ranked just above her were forced to perform a 30 second dance-off for the judges who would determine the tie-breaker. Yet again, digging deep, the hall of fame wide receiver Michael Irvin (DWTS is making me learn about sports!) sambaed like his life depended on it and got the votes from the judges to stay in the game.
Carrie Anne cried and hobbit-y Louie Vito tried to play like he wasn't, but I saw him tearing up. This actually surprised me, the snowboarder has been a bit blase about his place in the show, whereas each week Michael has turned his pre-dance training montages into mini-motivational speeches to inspire all. I am the warrior! I am the champion! Now let's go get a cup of coffee and not think about next week's double elimination.
It's the sixth week of Dancing with the Stars and now it gets serious -- the dances are tougher and the routines are nearly twice as long to help fill out the two-hour time slot each week. Last week Joanna danced with fill-in partner Maks and their near-perfect tango was sullied by her heel getting caught on his ankle, causing a stumble with no actual fall, but last night host Tom Bergeron was keen on reminding us of this incident over and over and over again, testing the patience of her polite smile everytime the camera cut to her. But it wasn't Joanna and Derek who had problems with their footwork -- that was everyone else.
Louie wasn't just mis-stepping, at one point he literally threw his partner onto her ass. I started to suspect the dance floor was in need of a good Zamboni run to polish it off. This is also the phase when the judges change rolls a bit: Len is most always a grumpy stickler with a generous streak, while Carrie-Anne and Bruno are quite easy the first half of the season, but now they become meticulous in their standards around lifts and timing and slips, deducting points to show they mean business. It is halfway through the competition after all, they have high expectations. We no longer want to think "that person did all right for being a celebrity," we want to be dazzled, to see the transformation on camera, to witness the sublime...and the surreal.
Last night, DWTS implemented a new component to the competition, the dance marathon: all nine couples danced the mambo simultaneously on the floor and the weakest couple gets tapped out along the way by the judges. The couple who stays on the dance floor the longest receives the most points added to their judges' scores from earlier in the night. If you missed last night's episode, watch the clip and you'll get a good taste for where the last nine couples stand in the competition, based on dancing talent alone -- but given what has happened in recent weeks' results shows, don't be fooled about who is going home in tonight's double elimination. The audience can be fickle voters and who knows how they will respond to Derek's bizarre choreography with Joanna that involved holding her up by the neck, then bouncing up and down with her head by his crotch. Was Derek just, um, happy because of yesterday's announcement that she would be posing for the December issue of Playboy? It felt pretty icky and aggressive to watch (click on minute 8:10 in the video clip if you want to skip right to a demonstration of the awkward), and I might have trauma around the mambo now because of it.
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