My household, which contains only one loyal Project Runway viewer -- me -- where once there were three, had to be coaxed away from a stored-in-TiVo doggie Halloween costume episode of The Martha Stewart Show and coerced into giving a damn about the cream of this, the most mediocre season, for 60 entire minutes.
In the other viewers’ defense, one of those dogs was dressed like a frog, another like a camel, and third wore a little sombrero. You can’t really blame a person for wanting to watch that instead.
It was part two of the finale and Carol Hannah continued her stomach-flu story arc from last week. But she failed to play the game properly. Had she been a little more cunning she would have aimed her viral vomit all over Irina’s superior collection and eliminated the one thing standing in between her and second place.
And now, a countdown of the most exciting stuff that happened on this finale, in ascending thrill order:
5. More suggestions that Althea just steals all her ideas from Irina. She doesn’t, of course, but it comes to a foamy, room-temperature head when Althea decides she wants her models to have a smudgy smoky eye. JUST LIKE IRINA. She’s got a nerve, that one, wanting her models to have eyes and hair. Later, as Irina announces to the interview-cam that she’s having to work so fast to get her collection finished, you half expect her to continue with, “…and then I looked over and noticed that Althea was also working quickly!”
You know you’re just marking time in an “off” season of Project Runway when suddenly everyone watching the show in your living room starts wishing they’d bring back Suede. Remember him? Third person-talker? Lots of hair product? Annoying?
I know, narrow it down.
But that’s what you start craving when a season kicks off with promise and quickly turns lifeless. I can barely talk about it to friends this time around because they’ve all dropped out as viewers. But not me. I’m devoted.
And for my devotion I am rewarded in this final challenge episode with a shot of a hotel room full of female contestants, all stressed out and finally becoming aware of the vague dislike they feel for each other, halfheartedly and half-wittedly trying to verbally joust for the cameras when, in a perfect world, they’d have been full-on BattleBots-ing it by episode 3. It’s a limp exchange wherein they coyly assign dog behaviors to one another without naming names. Like, “Some quiet dogs are mean,” and “Some cute dogs will bite you,” and “Oh yeah, well you’re like that tiny dog that lives in Paris Hilton’s purse and is really adorable and eats fancy dinners and has a nice Louis Vuitton collar and… oh wait, am I supposed to be insulting someone right now? Line, please?”
Mostly I just want one of them to turn into Tyson the Skateboarding Bulldog. Because I need something, anything, to happen in the next week or two, before Irina goes home with the whole thing.
> "There’s been a real void in the 90210 universe in terms of gay and bisexual characters," admits executive producer Rebecca Sinclair in Entertainment Weekly. Hence, she promises that a budding romantic plot line involving new character Gia (Rumer Willis, pictured) and Adrianna won't be just a fling. "We’re coming at this [relationship] from a genuine place and not going, ‘Let’s do a titillating story that will grab some promotion.’ This is a real aspect of teenager life that’s interesting," she says. Adrianna's adolescence has already included some good old-fashioned drug addiction and a full-term pregnancy, so hey, what's a little lesbian love?
> If you've been feeling like Project Runway is falling flat this season, you're not alone. Viewership has fallen more than 20% since this season's debut in August on its new network, Lifetime. Moreover, the show has done little to refresh Lifetime's midwestern mommish look as it was intended: the network's overall ratings continue to spiral downward.
In the same way that dog owners begin resembling their 12 year-old pugs or hostages wind up marrying their kidnappers, the designers are learning how to make clothes that resemble one another’s garments in ways that would be shocking if this season were more interesting. But for that to happen we’d need to bring back some Jubilee Jumbles-level insanity. And that’s probably not going to happen.
Remember how, back in the golden age of Runway, there was that knock-down drag-out between Jeffrey and Laura where she accused him of having help with his final collection? And it got all heated? And it was exciting to watch that? And you gave a shit about what might happen next?
Yeah those were the days.
If Meana-Irina (that’s apparently what they’re calling her in the workroom) ran this joint -- and she should -- then Althea would have taken her advice and gone right up to Logan last night and said, “Where do you get off stealing my idea from a few challenges ago of making a vampire-cape-stand-up-neck-thingie out of zippers, FAG?”
And that would be great because Logan is like the one straight guy to ever be on this show. If you want to make a heterosexual male who also happens to be a fashion designer/hair stylist/interior designer/nurse/kindergarten teacher lose his shit and pull some Law-Abiding Citizen-level revenge on you, accuse him of sucking a wiener. It’s totally effective, especially if you’re a woman because that means there’s no chance he’ll ever get to hit that.
But then there’s the speed-bump of how Irina merely encouraged Althea to make a snippy comment about it to Logan, instead of going full-on Firestarter. Which makes me distrust Irina’s ability to really throw down when the table-throwing imperatives of good reality television demand it.
Second speed-bump: Irina then turned around and accused Althea of lifting her Aspen sweater from last week’s challenge. And here’s the thing about that, and I think Terri from last season said it best: “MAN UP.” There are about seven million women’s sweaters out there. Other designers are going to create them too. Shit, if you get your work out there for people to see and enjoy, Forever XXI is gonna knock it off faster than you can say “child labor.” So slow down your bitchface and focus on making your own work better than everyone else’s. It’s not like anyone’s going to touch you for the rest of this show anyway. You’ve essentially already won the season. You can chill.
Okay, status update: Meana-Irina just missed winning the challenge thanks to Meana-Nina not liking her brocade dress; Logan got sent home for zippertardation; Gordana is worn out and flailing, creating outfits as depressed as she is; and Christopher thinks that his repeated failures are the result of the judges simply not “getting him.”
So, yeah, let Christopher stay, especially if he’s going to keep making barfy stuff like this week’s red carpet gown that guest judge Kerry Washington believed had feral Dickensian urchins named “Ignorance” and “Want” hiding under its hugely ruffled, floor-dragging hem. Hell, put him in the final three. That’d shake shit up real good.
1. We could just fast forward to the Bryant Park episode and
watch Irina’s, Althea’s and Carol Hannah’s final runway shows.
2. The challenges involved more than photo ops at Michael Kors
new Rodeo Drive store, some generic pictures of Aspen they got from Getty
Images and the throw-away instructions of “Think about an inspirational
locale!”
3. The locale choices had been more idiosyncratic, Los
Angeles-specific and actually challenging: the La Brea Tar Pits, a
stripper-gear shop on Hollywood Boulevard, a soul-destroying pitch meeting in
some generic office on the Paramount lot, notoriously scuzzy hustler bar The
Spotlight, Oki Dog, or this kiosk I saw once at the somewhat-downmarket
Crenshaw Plaza Mall where you can get your photo portrait taken and then
digitally superimposed onto another picture of a huge brandy snifter.
4. That Christopher had decided much, much earlier than this
episode to finally show the judges that he has, in his words “a sophisticated
side, a high-style side” because really, why wait until later in the season to
really pull out the big guns and wow them and -- oh, wait, sorry, he didn’t do it
this episode either.
5. Althea’s Saint Tropez-themed outfit had been made entirely of
cocoa butter.
6. That Irina would really turn up the bitch volume. Nicolas said
she was a bitch. And then Carol Hannah carried the burden of actually saying
“she didn’t come here to make friends” instead of Irina having to lift a finger
to address that cliché herself. And occasionally we hear stinging critiques of
other designers made by Irina while on interview-cam. But mostly we see her
being quiet and doing her work, or, more damning, actually laughing with the
others in a group pow-wow and being friendly. I’m worried that she’s not living
up to her potential.
7. Milla “Resident Evil” Jovovich would come back week after week
if she’s going to toss off lines about Logan’s half-effort garments like, “If
the show were called ‘Project I Didn’t Mind It’ then he would win.”
8. Ali MacGraw weren’t doing commercials for Macys. If you don’t
know who that is then go put “The Getaway” in your Netflix queue. Not the one
with Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. The real one. With Steve McQueen. Who was a
man.
9. For more self-aggrandizing contestants next season, ones
who’ll spout bullshitty stuff like Nicolas did upon finally being given the
Auf: “Because of my over-the-top style it’s been very hard to break into the
fashion industry.” Uh-huh.
10. That Nicolas
could be brought back each week and eliminated again and again. He’s the first
person all season whose demise I was looking forward to with anticipation
rather than a bored, “Oh good, s/he’s gone.” Now I’m going to miss being
annoyed by every single thing about him. That’s the cognitive dissonance-based
burden reality television places on us all, the sweet pleasure of hating.
Has your DVR been sitting on this season’s episodes until
you have time to sit down and see them? Think you’re going to get around to
that as, one by one, all your friends say things like, “They dumped the two
weirdest designers on the first two episodes. There’s not one stand-out or
person to love/hate.” You know you won’t go back and watch all those episodes.
But I can catch you up on who’s left standing:
Gordana -- German mom. Occasionally makes something worth looking
at. Currently exhausted. Is having some kind of breakdown. Can’t get black dye
from the last challenge off her hands.
Logan -- Straight guy. Wears those knit caps all the time,
the ones you see on preemies in baby-ICU. Is always “in” but rarely creates
anything memorable. Based on show editing, has no discernible personality.
Carol Hannah -- Blonde, nice, somewhat quirky, could wind up
at Bryant Park, thinks Logan is dreamy. Logan seems not to notice this major
thing about her. Baffled by the challenge, somehow pulled it out and won.
Bob Mackie -- Guest designer and challenge-giver. Legendarily
sequins-and-headdress-addicted creator of outer-space-wear for Cher and wacky
costumes for Carol Burnett. If you don’t know who Carol Burnett is then you
grew up in a generation that was spoon-fed entertainment product tailored to
your demographic and most likely just watched the same VHS copy of “The Lion
King” over and over.
Chris March -- Costume designer from two seasons ago. Not on
this episode. Watched it last night, though, and screamed “FUCK MY LIFE!” at
his TV.
Shirin -- Was presented, in earlier episodes this season, as
one of the more talented designers. Tear ducts at the ready. Okay, not more so
than Gordana. Won a challenge when circumstances seemed to doom her. This week
she’s badmouthed by front-runner and other double-“I” contestant Irina and
can’t seem to get it together at all. Loses the challenge. Gets sent home.
It’s what Nina Garcia has apparently gone and done while
Lifetime wasn’t paying attention. Because she is, again, absent. Once, when I
was a kid, I was absent from school for an entire week. But I had a reason
because my family was really busy taking it on the lam—my Dad had some bookies
after him, no joke—so I had to help out. Pack up my most important belongings.
Stuff like that. It was an exciting childhood. Ever have that in your school,
the kid who just disappeared with no warning? That was me. And now it’s Nina
Garcia. If you find her, please return her to Heidi Klum for what will
certainly be a stern talking to that will rival Bruno Ganz’s most
spittle-inflected scenes in Downfall.
Everyone seems out of sorts on the show this week, and not
just the recently unmarried substitute models. Shirin’s upset that the
challenge—make a new dress out of a divorced lady’s shitty old wedding
gown—seems to be out to get her. She got the sorting bag last-pick and her
woman’s dress was built from about a third of a yard of polyester fabric. Gordana
cries because her kids won’t pick up the damn phone and talk to her. I think
she was also crying because she didn’t get out of Germany as fast as she
wanted. Gordana’s kind like if glamorous former Runwayer Uli hadn’t flung
herself at Florida as fast as she could after watching her very first episode
of Miami Vice. Gordana got pregnant instead. Stayed cold. Even Logan, who is
more The Dude Abides than anyone who’s ever been within three feet of Tim Gunn,
is bitching about Irina thinking she’s a better designer than the others.
Problem with that is it’s true. She does think that. And she is better.
“I truly don’t want to go home,” says Louise, first thing. That means she goes home. But you probably had that figured out already. We’ve learned nothing about Louise until this episode and now she’s the focus. Sort of. Everything we know about her now is how much of a pain it is to work on a team with Nicolas.
This week’s challenge -- besides working with Nicolas, who’s awful as we all know -- was to make something really boring for Macy’s. The Macy’s lady shows up to tell everyone that the two pieces they’ll be designing have to be blue. Blue’s so great, the Macy’s lady tells them, because it’s so blue. They get their Macy’s dossier so they can practice being drones. Because if you think you’re the next Siriano and that Posh Spice is going to come courting you then you are living in Sillythoughtsburg. They go to Mood and they start their work. And Louise and Nicolas begin designing the two horror show dresses unveiled later on the runway. “It doesn’t worry me that Nicolas has immunity,” says Louise. Bah ha ha ha ha.
Nicolas, responding to this, basically says, “Hey, Louise, I have to stop helping you for just a second so I can walk over to the other side of the room -- follow me, camera guy -- and talk shit about you. I’ll be right back.” He does a lot of that and then hangs around some more, criticizing the ruffles that cover both weird garments. Then they lose. Nicolas has immunity and Heidi reminds him that he is very, very lucky.
And the best part of this episode is Heidi’s robot fingers. She has two of them this week. Two fingers covered in some kind of metal sheath. It’s so fascinating that it kind of trumps everything else happening this week, including the return of Michael Kors. Remember him? Anyway, they’re her version of brass knuckles. If we’re very, very lucky like Nicolas, she’ll put on more and more robot fingers each week, eventually covering her entire body in a sleek suit of armor so she can lay waste to the remaining challenge losers. I can dream. With this many boring designers that’s about all there is to do.
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